Playing a sport allows you to escape, to leave reality for a few hours a day and be in your element. But, not when you were my coach. Playing a sport for you was like stepping into the eye of a storm. We never knew what we would get on a given day - mild winds or tropical rain.
Almost everyday I would go home feeling defeated. Feeling as though I was no longer good enough - not just for you, but for those around me. Playing for you, put me and so many other girls at an all time low. The honeymoon phase screeched to halt after just two weeks of practice. Not because it was hard work, but because the reality of what we had gotten ourselves into finally set in. Suddenly, going to practice became a chore and even dreaded on some days. Most days I just didn't have the energy or mental barricade needed for practice. Favorites were obvious, and of course none of us blamed them. For the most part, they were shielded by your words - not affected like the rest of us. Eventually, a divide was created, pulling the team apart practice by practice.
Despite your often negating and unkind words, I couldn't leave my team. The girls I played with had become my family and I was not going to leave them in the middle of the season. I had worked way to hard to just give up. But, I do not blame the girls who did leave. In fact, I commend their bravery. They chose personal happiness over the fear of leaving.
Now, I wish I could say it was not all your fault. That the team was being too sensitive, taking things too far, or spinning your words. But, the truth is it was all on you. You chipped away at our confidence everyday, until we finally cracked. Playing on a team takes a certain kind of toughness, but you made the amount of toughness needed untouchable.
I belive a thank you is also in order. For showing me how strong I actually am. Going through what I did, with you as my coach, helped me grow in ways I never thought possible. You pushed me past my limits, watching me crack before you eyes. But, I came out better because of it.
I hope this experience has allowed you to grow. I hope you have finally realized what a coach shouldn't be - I know I have. I hope the girls you now coach and will coach feel protected by you and confident on the field. I know you went through a lot, but so did we and neither should have gone unnoticed.
Although you took some of my love for the game, I am so happy I chose to ride out the storm.
