The idea that women constantly owe something to men is an issue in our modern society in multiple facets: the idea that we need to smile, the expectation of responding to their catcalls or being flattered by them, the expectation of putting out or generally just giving them the time of day. Yeah. It's shitty and something that is unfortunately grained into American culture. But lately, this is being shown to me in everyday life in a new form: social media. I won't lie and say that there aren't dudes trying to talk to me over Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat constantly; most girls are in the same situation. The idea that we have to give every guy who messages us on the internet a chance is another sad "fact of life" that women have to deal with right now.
But as much as I could sit and argue that we shouldn't have to deal with online harassment, there are plenty of logical responses: don't respond. Maybe they're just trying to be friendly. Don't assume you're being harassed. And you're right, not every guy who messages me on Facebook is trying to harass me and get with me. I try to give the benefit of the doubt and be a friendly person and respond until it's clear whether these guys have bad intentions or not. I've made plenty of friends off of the Internet and met some cool dudes. However, more and more often, trying to be nice and give them a friendly conversation has been putting me in a situation I don't want to be in.
So, to the boys incessantly in my DMs...
I owe you nothing. The chronology of you deciding to message me, then you deciding you want to get to know me, and then you deciding that "we need to chill" does not mean that you are entitled to any of those things or that I want them. I am not going to just drop whatever I have going on because some guy I don't know wants to suddenly talk to me. For starters, I am much too busy to be on my phone on Facebook Messenger all day getting to know you. To be blunt, I probably don't want to, either. And if I'm too busy to respond to you, it's probably safe to assume that I don't have time to hang out with you. But any time I've used school and my two jobs as an excuse to not have time to hang out, I'm told to make time. Are you serious?
This idea is absolutely ludicrous for a couple of reasons. First, I can't just stretch the parameters of my free time to magically whip out more. I can't move my due dates or my shifts at work. Secondly, I have priorities for my free time. If I really am as busy as I say (spoiler: I am), I probably have other friends and family wanting to spend time with me when I can. I probably would love to see them as well. Perhaps I have interests of my own that I'd like to pursue when I can. Maybe I'd like to hit the gym every once in a while. Maybe I want some alone time. I have a life, and it's pretty clear that I don't have room to add you to it.
At this point, after trying to explain these things, that's when I start getting harassed. I've been called names - you can imagine the ones. I've been told I'm too uptight and not kind enough. One guy even tried saying, "but I know one of your friends. You have time for them" as if that were some kind of shut-down argument. If I have one friend, I obviously can be friends with him. They keep messaging asking so are you free yet? Or are you going to keep ignoring me? and they keep telling me that I'm not actually as busy as I say I am or that the people I love aren't as important as they are.
Then, the gaslighting. My favorite. When I get angry, you boys tell me to calm down. You tell me I'm being crazy. You say, I was just trying to be nice.
Let me reiterate: I owe you nothing. If you can't respect that I'm busy or that I don't want to talk to you or that I'm just not interested, maybe you should slide your way out of my DMs and find people in real life who are.
