I love you. I will always love you. You were my first love and what we shared was something real. I still to this day remember the very first moment I heard your voice. You were dating my best friend at the time. I was so jealous of how cute you two were together and wondered why I couldn't find something like that. When you broke her heart, I hated you. I called you up and gave you a piece of my mind. From that day forward we kept talking for some reason.
You would text me just to get under my skin the way only you could. Somehow in the mix of fighting and getting on each others nerves, we became friends. For the next year, we learned every little thing there was to know and became as close as two people could possibly get. One day, I realized that I was in love with you and it scared the crap out of me. It took me forever to muster up the courage to tell you, and when I did I typed it out and threw my phone on the bed not expecting you to feel it back.
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I know people say you don't know what love is when you're young, but that is the furthest thing from the truth. I knew at 11 years old I loved you. We dated and broke up the way young kids do, but we always found our way back to each other. The feelings never faded, they only got stronger. We lived an hour away from each other, so we only knew each other over the phone, but we always dreamed about the day we got to see each other for the first time. I would sneak on Facebook to talk to you or we would wait until everyone was asleep and stay up talking all hours of the night about everything under the sun.
I remember the day we finally did get together. There was a track meet at Washington and you were going to be there. We planned to meet under the bleachers on the walkway. I stood there for what felt like forever before you walked up, kissed me and walked off. It was so childish and so romantic at the same time. You were my first kiss. Then came our fist serious break up. We went six whole months without saying a single word to each other until the day I decided to text you again. It felt so good to talk to you again, like I found the missing piece to myself. Like always we found our way back to each other, and we started dating again July 7, 2011.
Over the next three years we had ours ups and downs, but through it all I knew that I loved you more than I ever thought could be physically/emotionally possible. I knew that no mater what life had to throw at us, I wanted to go through it with you by my side. We had so many plans for the future. I don't really know where everything changed and took a turn for the worst. I don't know where I started to not be enough to make you happy anymore. When we broke up last year, I felt like my world was shattered. It was so sudden and it happened so fast; I had no time to even wrap my head around the idea of you not wanting me. Then came the rumors that didn't seem like rumors.
You changing into a version of yourself I'd never seen before. I was so desperate for you. I was miserable and hated every second of it. I didn't know how to go on in a world without you. When we got back together after a month of being apart, I felt happier than ever. We just kind of fell back into the routine of being together. Things were different, sure, but what do you expect after breaking up? I didn't expect to be exactly the same. As the year went by and the future we had dreamed of got closer and closer, I got more and more excited. I felt like everything was just in reach, until you told me you weren't happy again. There was that feeling, like my heart was being ripped out and stomped on.
So many emotions and so much confusion was felt those next couple of days. I had so many sleepless nights because all I could think was "Why us?" I started to freak out and wonder if there was someone else in the picture or if you were going to become so unhappy that you would resent me. I started picturing life without you and I freaked out even more. When I told you I was unhappy, too, I thought it was for your own good. I thought that maybe time apart, really apart this time, would give you time to figure out what made you unhappy.
When I broke up with you, I told myself I wouldn't bother you. I told myself I would be strong. It wasn't a decision I made over night. I went out too much and drank too much so I wouldn't be able to think about you. I found distraction after distraction until I convinced myself I was fine; until that night. I thought I was fine until that night brought back all the emotions I was running from. I broke your heart, I know. I did it because I thought it would be what you needed, what we needed. I don't know if you want me back or if you see a future with me. I don't know if you're actually happier without me or maybe you've just out grown me. But, I do want you to know that I will always love you. You will always be my one. There will be pieces of myself that will always only belong to you. You were my best friend and my soulmate, and no matter what anyone says, I believe you only have one true soulmate in life. Not having you in my life is hard. Watching you live your life on social media and wondering if you miss me like I miss you is hard. Not having my rock and my best friend is hard.
If you decide life is better without me, thank you for showing me what true love is. I will never find love like ours again. Thank you for the past eight years of memories I couldn't replace. I can't lie, I hope we find our way back to each other. Many people tell me I'm stupid and that I should let you go, but they don't understand what it's like to truly love someone. It's a love you never get over or let go. I hope when school starts we find that future we always talked about and dreamed of, but for now, I hope you understand why I did what I did.
