To the boy who wasn’t ready for me,
My first instinct is to apologize for coming on too strongly. To apologize for giving you everything. To apologize for wanting to spend all my time with you. To apologize for wanting to be there for you whenever you were going through something. But after thinking about it, I’m not sorry for any of that. I shouldn’t be sorry for being the way that I am. I am sorry, however, that you weren’t ready for me. I’m sorry that you’re not ready for commitment. I’m sorry that you don’t feel comfortable confiding in someone and expressing your feelings to someone. I’m sorry that you find it weird or abnormal for somebody to want to do nice things for their significant other just to make them smile. I am sorry for that.
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I am ready for all those things, and I thought you were too. But that’s OK. This realization is the closure I needed. Now, I can move past all the fights and problems and just acknowledge that you weren’t ready for me. Hopefully, you will be for some girl, some day – but not for me.
Before we dated, you were the same way. You were willing to give me everything, you were willing to tell me everything, and you were willing to commit to me. You seemed different at the beginning, and what changed that I will never know. Maybe the chase was better than the trophy in the end. Because when I wasn’t “yours” anymore, the chase continued. When I was no longer yours, you flirted and led me on saying you missed me – which isn’t fair. It’s not fair to take advantage of my vulnerability and my heart just to get what you want.
You convinced me that I missed you, too. You convinced me that we were happy together. Now, I realize, I didn’t miss you, and I wasn’t happy. I missed the idea of having someone I could rely and count on. I missed having somebody I could call both my best friend and my boyfriend. I missed the guy you were before all the chaos broke loose.
The thing is, you made me apologize for being the way that I am. There is nothing wrong with loving someone to my full capability. That is what I, along with the rest of the female population, am looking for, and I don’t want to settle for anything less. I want someone to love every part of me, even the things I don’t like about myself. I don’t want someone to make me feel bad about my insecurities and create new ones that still follow me around.
And then you made me fall for your lies and manipulations to get my attention and affection. You didn’t like seeing me with someone else, but that isn’t up to you, especially when you’re the one who closed the door on us. You can’t be into me one second and then change your mind the next.
You know that saying, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me?” Well, you have fooled me over and over again. And I am so tired of shaming myself for being fooled by you. I wanted you to be sincere, I wanted to mean so much to you, I wanted you to want me for my personality, not just my body. You abused my willingness to drop everything for you for the drop of a hat. I never took you for granted, but I can’t say the same for you.
I did give you everything, and although sometimes I felt monopolized or taken for granted, I never failed to want to give the world to you. The only mistake was choosing you for that. Regardless of my hurt heart, regardless of it all, I do want you happy- or at least, that’s what I keep telling myself. Although it will always sting that you couldn’t for me, I hope one day you can give the whole world to someone. I really hope you will one day be ready for that. I hope you’ll be ready for her.
