Falling in love for the first time is a magical and life changing experience. You are taken on your first real date, you are introducing him to your family, you begin falling so hard for this boy who seems to offer the world. My first love changed everything. I want to address something that has heavily impacted my life. That is my experience with love and everything it shouldn't be.
First, in no way do I want to bash my first love. He taught me things that I will forever be thankful for. He taught me how to stand on my own, how to appreciate little things in life, to see simple things as something great. Falling in love with you was the easiest thing I've done in my life. I just wish the outcome was different.
Like any relationship there were ups and downs. In our case it seems there were more downs than ups. You became jealous and manipulative and tied me down. You'd be angered at me for talking to friends I've known for years and I truly thought I did something wrong. I let you alter my mind into thinking I was wrong and that I deserved this. I thought that by my talking to people I was wrong and unfaithful. You told me I was a "slut" and a "whore" for texting a guy for help on math problems. Let me tell you, no one deserves this, no one should feel they are a "slut" for speaking to another human. I wish I understood that before.
I truly thought you did it because you loved me, because you cared. To my surprise I realized this was not love. That is, being completely manipulated by someone to make you think and feel things that cannot be remotely true. To make you feel so sorry about something that shouldn't even matter. To push you to apologize until 4 am whilst crying over and over again for forgiveness. In no way is this love. I don't know why I convinced myself it was.
It's funny really. We tell ourselves things are okay and that it will get better. Yet, even after the 7th time you said "it won't happen again, I love you" i still believed you. That I continued to put myself through this, continuing to convince myself "it's okay". It's not. It is not what love is suppose to be like.
Love is not leaving your friends every weekend because your boyfriend doesn't like them. Love is not loosing everything and everyone you care about because "he is worth it". He is not worth it. If he changes you he is NOT worth it. He's not worth it because you let him get to you causing you to lose everyone because they couldn't stand to see you manipulated. They told you time and time again that this was wrong and you pushed them away because you didn't believe them.
Our love was great at a time, but 2 years of constant crying, fighting, cheating, and lying makes you realize a lot. It makes you scared to trust. Makes you terrified to open up and to love again.
I don't regret our relationship. I regret how I let you treat me. How I let you control my life. How I thought you treated me this way because you "loved me". It wasn't love, at least not in the end. I know now what love really is. That love is becoming a better you with your partner around. That your friends and family see a wonderful change. Love is lighting up the second they walk in the room. Being carefree and excited for what is next. Love was not what we had in the end.
Sincerely,
Your first love
