Dear you,
I hope that somehow this makes its way to you and I hope you’re doing well. I have so many unanswered questions, “what-ifs,” and old memories replaying in my head, but now that we’ve said goodbye, I want to let you know how I feel.
You came out of nowhere, caught me by surprise, and stole my heart instantly. I’ve never fallen so hard or so fast in my life. I couldn’t get enough of you and you couldn’t get enough of me. It was like something out of a movie. You were everything I had ever dreamed of and then some. The only problem being that I never felt like you were mine. I gave you my whole heart, but you could never give me all of yours.
When it comes to past relationships, we’ve both been through hell and back. That’s one of the reasons I loved you so passionately. I could see the pain in your eyes when you told me about things you had gone through -- I knew how much you hurt because I see that same pain in my own eyes when I look in the mirror. I wanted to fix that, I wanted to make you forget you had ever been hurt, so I gave you my entire heart. At first, I knew I had yours, but as time went on I could tell that it was slipping away.
You were so attentive in the beginning; so charming, so loving, so anxious to be around me, but like the flip of a switch, it all changed. You grew colder, you stopped sending good morning and good night texts, you stopped telling me how much you cared about me and wanted to be with me, you took longer to text back, you invited me to hang out less and less, you stopped calling me beautiful and telling me how lucky you were that I was all yours, you closed yourself off from me -- you simply slipped away.
I don’t resent you for any of it -- I know I’m a lot to take on. I have baggage for my baggage. I’m a little crazy, extremely anxious, slightly clingy, and I love a little too hard. You claim you aren’t an emotional person, but I could tell you wanted to open up to me, yet you could never bring yourself to. That was what I needed. I needed you to put your guard down and go back to how you were in the beginning. The new you wasn't who I fell in love with. The new you wasn’t really you at all.
When that switch flipped, my already extreme anxiety and insecurities only worsened. I couldn’t help but think there was someone else, I couldn’t help but think I wasn’t enough, I couldn’t help but think I was somehow too much. The more I tried to give you the love that I knew you needed, the more you pushed me away. I think you were scared that you actually found what you were looking for, but instead of embracing it and cherishing it, you took it for granted and pushed it away.
There’s no denying that we both made mistakes; none more hurtful than the other, but we learned from them -- at least I did. I just want you to know that I will always cherish the good moments we did have and I will never remember you in a negative light.
I’ll never be able to take lunch at 1 p.m. without thinking of you; every time I see a squatted truck I’ll picture you rolling your eyes; when I hear a street bike heading my direction I’ll turn to see if it is you; I won’t be able to eat at the bar at Hiro because that was our spot; my heart will forever drop when I see a car that resembles yours; I’ll never be able to make bacon wrapped asparagus without picturing you scarfing it down; surprisingly enough, I’ll even miss you calling me crazy.
If I’m being honest, I had no idea that this letter would turn out this way. I wanted to show you just how much you hurt me, I wanted to hurt you with my words, but I started typing and let my heart do the talking. I forgive you for everything, as I can only hope you forgive me. Maybe one day if we’re meant to be, we will be. Until then, I’ll continue loving you from a distance.
Love always,
Your little crazy
