Dear You,
I don’t think I'll ever really know what we were. You were this sweet boy who I had crushed hard on. I liked you for months and then you actually started taking an interest in me and I was surprised. I’ve never been the girl who was lucky when it came to relationships. But you really surprised me.
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It surprised me how I had found a guy who saw the world how I did. You surpassed all of my expectations. You were sweet and could make me laugh. You made me feel special and I still remember lighting up whenever you would text me out of the blue and ask me about my day. You were passionate about the things I was…or so I thought.
We never dated. We never got close to that point. And to me, that was rough. It wasn’t because you were a bad guy. You’re not. It was the fact that for a couple months I could still count all the times we had face-to-face contact on one hand.
I like to think that I’m an understanding person. I saw how busy you were with work and school. I was the same way, and I never wanted you to stop focusing on your future and I never wanted to get in the way. We both had responsibilities. So, I waited and I understood.
I waited for the possibility that you’d have a night open to hang out, even if all we did was homework. I would ask to see you and understood when you said you were busy or too tired. I waited for you to tell me that you had time to really spend with me. I waited for the day that we could actually communicate in person. But it never came.
That one night, you drunk-texted me telling me how you felt about me. That was the first time I actually got any sense of where you stood with us.
That one night, when I told you how I had been feeling about not seeing you and how I was fine with it if we remained friends; all because I understood how busy you were, so we didn’t have to keep pursuing something that apparently wasn’t going to happen. But that night was perfect. It was weeks after that drunk-texting night. It was the best date/adventure I could’ve asked for. It was so real to me. We talked about everything. I felt so comfortable around you and so lucky for meeting someone as amazing as you. You gave me that butterflies-in-your-stomach feeling and I knew just how much I liked you.
But this is also the night when the glass shattered.
You told me that I was this and I was that, but your words fell flat to me. For you saying such sweet things to me didn’t erase the effort you hadn’t put in before. Your actions had already told me everything I needed to know about you. And you still didn’t tell me how you were going to change anything or validate that what you felt for me mattered. You didn’t see that even five minutes of your time would’ve been enough for me. To you, effort was in a timeslot that worked solely for you. I’m fine with texting, but that’s not the type of relationship I want.
Someone told me once that if a guy really wants to see you or be with you, he will make it happen. He will do anything he can just to be around you. And I want that guy. I want the guy who’s going to call me to hear my voice when we can’t be together. I want your time, even if it’s only for the few minutes you managed to fit it into your schedule. I just want to see you when it’s possible. I want you to do your own thing and be your own person, but a relationship is more than just texting or personal convenience.
You’re not a bad guy, quite the opposite. However, I need someone who’s going to be the nice guy who doesn’t just say sweet things, but also takes action so I don’t feel like what’s between us is so one-sided.
I wanted you for you, but not feeling like you cared hurt. I didn’t want to hear that you were too tired or weren’t feeling it, because after so much time, I start seeing that I was settling for a one-sided almost-relationship that came around only when you wanted me.
What I wanted wasn’t in how many texts you sent my way. It was just you. You were what I wanted and I don’t know if you’ll ever really see that.
Lately, we haven’t spoken much. Time has settled and I have a strong feeling that what we once had has evaporated. I do miss the conversations we had and how much you made me laugh, but you gave up on me. You made me feel so much, but didn’t pursue me the way I deserved. And I guess I just wasn’t who you were looking for either. And that's OK.
But all in all, I’m still glad I met you. Even though it didn’t work out as I had hoped, I pray you’re happy and for everything you’re working towards. And I hope that when you do find someone who is worth it to you, you'll show her every day how much you care. Because you are a good guy. You just weren't the guy for me.
All the best.
B
