Dear X,
I am sure that right off the bat, the majority of people who read this and know me will know who you are, and that is okay. Those same people will also know that I do not date much, at all, ever; but I dated you. You weren't just some guy to talk to for a little while but as soon as things started getting serious I dipped out on. You weren't just some guy looking for a hookup and only saw my body. Oh no, you saw my soul. I never would have made things official with you if I did not see a future, and I did not really really care about you. Of course, the fact that we had so much history was another big factor. You weren't just some guy, you were my guy. You were my partner in crime, my comic relief, and my shoulder to lean on, but more importantly you were my friend.
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I really do not know what happened to me and you. It ended just as quickly as it began. It felt like we had been together for years, but at the same time it felt like it was just yesterday that we began the relationship. I may never truly know what went wrong, but I do know it would be so easy to only blame myself...
It would be easy to say how sorry I am for not having the dating experience like you do. For not knowing what the right thing to say is all the time. For being emotionally closed off and having a hard time trusting people. I am sorry for trying to run away when things started getting serious. I am sorry for ever doubting your feelings for me. I am also sorry that I don't have the perfect body. That I pretty much have lived in yoga pants and sports bra's since summer started. I am sorry that I get razor bumps and have the worst under eye circles ever. I am sorry that I have the most obnoxious laugh on God's green Earth and that I am sarcastic 97.9% of the time. I'm sorry.
See, but I am not an easy kind of girl. I am stubborn, I make things difficult for myself, and I choose the hard way 9 times out of 10. But you know what? That is okay. That is perfectly fine! Why? Because I would rather be honest with myself about what happens in my life and choose an optimistic attitude always, than use my own insecurities (which you did nothing but love) as a mask for what really went wrong. Like I said earlier, the truth is I have no idea what went wrong. All I know is that we both had a hand in destroying the relationship one brick at a time, but I also know that none of those things I listed before played any part, and I refuse to apologize for being myself.
I may snort when I laugh, be sarcastic too much, have one too many curves, have an anxiety about relationships, and have a hard time trusting, but you know what? So what. This is me, this is who I am today, right now. Anyone who cannot accept me for where I am at this stage in my life, and at this level of maturity, is not welcome here. Now let me be clear, in no way am I saying you fall into that category, I just thought you should know.
I will tell you what though, I am not sorry for what we had. I am not sorry for all the sarcastic banter that never ceased to make us laugh. I am not sorry for the face you made every time I would tell you I hadn't seen a certain movie or had not listened to a certain song. I am not sorry for all those late night heart to hearts we had, and all the time I spent trying to help you or make you feel better. I am not sorry for your persistence in trying to get me to open up to you. I am not sorry for our little adventures. I am not sorry for all the naps and pillow fights that followed. Believe it or not, I am not sorry for all the tickles, and I am not sorry for all the times you were there to help me reach something on the top shelf.
I am not sorry for dating you, and it was not a waste of time.
For some people, we only dated for a mere 3 months, which by the way is the longest relationship I personally have ever had. But see, it wasn't just about the time we were "official." It was so much more than that. We had talked and planned for this for at least about 6 months, give or take. I think we both wanted to be very very sure that we were making the right decision by crossing the line from friendship to dating. Before that, we had been friends for years. We even briefly dated once before, back when we were both pretty much still babies. It is so funny to think back on how many memories we made, how many talks we had, and how many goofy pictures we took over the course of almost 5 years.
You were one of those friends where we would go from talking everyday and then turn around and life would catch up with us and we wouldn't talk for months. Every time we would talk again though it was like we never stopped. From the get go, I knew we had something special and that we worked well together. I still believe that.
I think that is the part I would have missed the most, the friendship.
Maybe that will help you and other people understand why I was so upset towards the downfall of the relationship. You never know what will happen in the future, but for now the only thing I can tell you is we want different things out of life. It is as simple as that.
Now, fortunately the friendship is not something I have to miss, because you are still my best friend.
When I heard you say that you couldn't imagine a life without talking to me everyday and you always wanted me in your life, I had the biggest sigh of relief.
So I close with this: I will see you again one day in the future, and when that day comes I hope you are as happy as I hope to be. I hope a fire lights beneath you and you find the motivation to kick start your life. I will always love you. You were, are, and hopefully will always be one of my best friends. I know you won't ever forget me, but I hope you remember the good more than the bad. I hope you don't do what I wouldn't; blaming yourself. Don't do that. We both made mistakes. Just accept that our time in the sun has come to a close, and rejoice in the things we learned from each other and how we helped each other grow into perhaps better versions of ourselves. I am so glad that instead of saying farewell I can say talk to you later.
Love You Always,
Hannah P Barnett <3
