First off, when I say I'm sorry for everything I don't mean I'm sorry for all of the great memories we shared or falling in love with you. I mean I'm sorry for all of the pain we have caused each other trying to hold on to something too broken to fix.
While we officially broke up almost 3 months ago we both know that we did not truly break up until now. We both just wanted to fix things and make every as perfect as it once had been, but we both should have known it was a lost cause.
We started dating when we were so young. Falling in love in high school really never really was the best choice now was it? When you fall in love so young it causes you to become fully dependent upon your partner. While we couldn't see it back then I can see it ever so clearly now. When we were together we were attached at the hip. If we weren't holding hands you had your arms wrapped around me to show everyone how in love we were. When we were apart we were texting constantly. Not about anything particularly interesting, just the same boring ten conversation topics we always had, but that didn't matter to us. As long as we were in communication of some sort we were both satisfied. Due to this we became each other's addiction.
Once my senior year began to come to a close and graduation was growing near everything seemed to shift. We began arguing, something we had never done before. At first the arguments were small and only lasted a few texts until we said we were sorry and loved each other. Looking back I now see how big of a warning sign this should have been to the both of us. Even with our constant arguments I still thought we had a chance. One year. That's all we had to stick it out for. Then you would be in college with me and we would be able to make it work. Just one year. If we were truly in love we would be able to make it work for that short amount of time, right?
When my freshman year of college began things went completely wrong. Our normal conversations turned into you being jealous about my new friends and all of the time I spent with them. Our once loving relationship turned into something dark and draining. We began to say "I love you" less and less (if we even said it all that day). We often didn't most days. Our schedules began to conflict and our dates became basically nonexistent. While all of this was happening I was changing. I was no longer the same girl you started dating when you were 15. I was experiencing new things and growing as a person. I started forming into a young woman with new aspirations and dreams and with that change we lost our compatibility.
We tried to hold things together, but eventually it became too much for me so I ended things towards the end of my first month of college. I gave you some random reason because I was too afraid to admit that I did it for my sanity. I didn't want you to try to convince me to keep trying like you had done so many times before. In doing this, I made you and all of our friends hate me. That, I regret, but at the time it was the only option I saw and I need you to understand that.
I was heart broken for hurting you. I knew it was going to hurt, but I had no idea how badly. What hurt the most for me is the fact that you thought I didn't care that I had hurt you. I did. A lot actually.
Even after the breakup we continued to talk to try to fix things and we told each other that maybe we could be friends. This was our mistake. Trying to be friends with someone you dated for over two years is virtually impossible. Being just friends slowly turned into talking like we were still in a relationship. At first, it was comforting. It felt like everything was back to normal and I was naive enough to think we could forget everything that had happened and move on with our relationship. But I soon began to see that things were not like before. While you were telling me you loved me you were also lying to your friends about what we were. You made me your little secret, like you were ashamed to be involved with me.
Now that I have spent many sleepless nights thinking about you and us I see that we can't work now and what we are doing is only making things worse for both of us. We keep saying that we will work harder and things will change, but the truth is that the problems from before still haven't been solved and honestly probably can't be solved until after you graduate. There is still too much jealousy and doubt for us to even consider trying things again. I can no longer be your little secret from your parents and all of your friends. I wish I had realized this sooner and for that I'm sorry. I never wanted to hurt you ever, let alone again. But I'm hoping you see what I see with this. If you don't understand it right now I'm sure you will eventually and I'm okay with you hating me until then. I love you and I know I always will, but the truth is we need to let each other go. We both need room to grow and time to heal from everything. We need the freedom to change into who we are meant to be and as much as I want to be able to do that together I know it is not a realistic option.
So for now I have to let you go, and you have to do the same for me. It's going to hurt, a lot, but you have to know it is best for both of us. I promise you that we are going to be okay. I love you more than you will ever know and I want you to know that the past few years with you have meant so much to me. Thank you for all of the cute dates we went on and for all of the laughter we shared. I wish the best for you and I hope we can become friends again one day when we have grown and matured. Until then I will miss you.
From the girl you love
