Dear XO,
I realize now how toxic our friendship was, and how it was that way long before you ended it. I never saw it because we always came back to each other after millions of fights, that should have ended us right then and there but didn't. We dragged out our friendship for so long that the ending seemed like a long time coming and not surprising to me as I look back on it now. Over a year later, I still feel the damage of it all, but I am stronger because of you. We may be civil to each other now, but go back a year ago and you will see how cruel we were to each other. Going to the same college made moving on from what we had so much harder. I felt like I had to prove to you that I was fine without you. Sadly, I was fooling myself. Those first couple of months, I was a mess and even sleep was wrecking me. I felt so small walking around campus like everyone knew I was upset, but of course, they knew nothing of the sort. I thought maybe after six months to a year and a half, we would be fine, since that was also our normal pattern, but this time was different. This ending was real and that scared me. You were literally my everything: best friend, advice giver, comforter, like a brother, and ex. Then you became nothing in my life, except an empty hole in my broken heart.
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I never should have given you so many chances, but you had me wrapped around your finger. I could have saved myself heartbreaks and you a terrible friendship, instead we kept up our friendship for years. It was like a bad thing that felt so right and we couldn't stop it.
I look back now and wish I would have never continued coming back to you. You were the reason I cried myself to sleep most nights and still I cared about you. I was there for you when you didn't want to listen to me anymore even though it was the same subject I listened to for you. I was never enough for you. Never pretty or calm enough for you. Several times you told me to change and we fought about it for months. Finally, I guess you had enough of fighting. So you basically said, "Change or we aren't friends," and I wouldn't change if it was for you. That was the end of us. I wouldn't be a different person just to be your friend so you left me.
Every girl has that boy who made them feel important when in reality he was tearing you down. He tore me down, and it took me way too long to see that.
I saw you as a sweetheart when in reality you were a jerk. I never should have given you my time. I hate giving up on people. I had to give up on you because you gave up on me and our friendship.
Now, I look at you and I don't hate you. I hope you are doing well wherever you are. I hope your new friends make you happy. I hope you think of me and wonder how I am. I used to loathe you like there was no tomorrow — today I am thanking you for making me stronger.
Love,
The girl who saw more in you.
"Rain came pouring down when I was drowning
That's when I could finally breathe
And that morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean
I think I am finally clean
Said, I think I am finally clean
10 months sober, I must admit
Just because you're clean don't mean you miss it
10 months older I won't give in
Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it.."
"Clean" By Taylor Swift
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