Addiction is something I have always heard horror stories about. I've heard about the withdrawals and the relapses and everything. I have watched people I barely knew or did not know at all go through this. I have watched people lose loved ones to addiction. I never imagined it would be happening to someone so close to me. I never thought that someone I hold so close in my heart would be dealing with this pain. I never knew the kind of pain it could cause me. This is not about me; however, this is about you.
I want you to know that I love you. And I am here for you. Through all of the shakes and shivers of withdrawals, record highs and record lows, I am here. I will always be here, whether you like it or not, and I will always be pushing you towards the recovery I know you can achieve.
You have taught me lessons in compassion that I could not learn anywhere else. You have taught me that it is possible to love someone without approving of all of their decisions. You have taught me heartbreak. You called me one day to tell me you were getting clean, that you had messed up and it was time. I was so happy and proud, I knew you could do it. A month later, you called me again and told me it didn't quite work out that way. That is when my heart broke. I knew this wasn't going to be an easy thing to do, but I also know that you are so much stronger than your addiction. I know this, I've seen it firsthand. I have watched you go through challenges much harder than this with such grace. I know for a fact you can overcome anything that addiction throws your way.
Do not get me wrong, though, this is not me condoning or romanticizing the thing that has taken over your life. This is not me accepting where or who you are right now. I am not your mother, I'm not here to baby you. This is me begging you to see what you are doing. I do not want the person I love the most to be lost in a sea of pills.
I know that your self-destruction feels more like survival but believe me when I say pills are not the answer. Although I have tried relentlessly, I cannot fix you. You are in charge of your own recovery. Nothing will change unless you yourself want it to. However, I will never stop believing in you and I will never lose the hope that one day you will be completely clean.
I want you to know that you will never be in this alone. I know that sometimes it may feel like the entire world is against you and everything is falling apart, but I will always be next to you, holding your hand. I will never let go, not for anything. I need you to know that I will never judge you. Sometimes I may say things you don't want to hear, but it is only because all I want is the best for you. You are so much stronger than you realize, please never forget that.
I loved you before, I love you during and I will love you after.
