It gets better. You think it doesn’t. At this point in time, you think every little bump in the road is going to knock you over, but you were built for this. You’re so much stronger than you think you are. This is not the end all be all. There are many more days, better days.
You are an inspiration. You were once down in the dirt, kind of like now, but not as bad, and in that time you didn’t let it hold you down. You got your stuff, stood up, told yourself you deserved better and changed high schools. Of course, that time you were younger and more naïve that something as little as moving across town would change the bigger issue, but the thing is it helped. Sure the problems didn’t totally go away, but you were brave enough to take the step in a direction to fix it.
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So now, my advice is to look back at that time. Not that bad part, but the part where you changed. You need to realize that you can do that now as well. It’s harder because there is more at stake, but your happiness is above all possessions, or degrees, or friends, and definitely boyfriends.
I can see you are already ahead of me by quitting field hockey. I know how courageous that was because that game had your heart. I’ve never seen someone so passionate and determined to be the best they could be despite the odds stacked against you.
You are so close to being done college. I know plans for the future are kind of scary, as they should be. Life shouldn’t be easy and predictable, if it is, somethings wrong. It’s the risks, the chances, the unexpected, the adventure that will shape you. Planning your future is great and all, but if you stick to a single plan, you’re likely to not live up to your full potential. Take the time to look at yourself, and accept that things aren’t going to be easy, but they will be great. Everything will work out the way it’s supposed to, so take a deep breath and realize you will be okay.
Now the boy. Oh, that boy, that boy who doesn’t deserve such a loving human being like you. I’m not afraid to sit here and tell you he ruined you. You are still amazing don’t get me wrong, but you had this light about you, this spark, this smile. It made you who you were, everyone knew it. Our family knew it, your friends knew it, and that boy knew it when he met you, but ever since he met you I’ve slowly watched that fade away, and now before me isn’t a spark anymore. Firsts are great, first loves teach you so much about yourself, and I think what he has told you is that you deserve better. You are so caring and you want to give your all to anyone you can, but when it becomes self-destructive it’s time to go. Letting someone back in out of comfort is typical, but you have to be braver to let go.
I’m not here to be harsh, or to tell you you’ve screwed up and have something to change, no, you’re my sister and it’s my duty to make sure you are the best person you can be. It kills me when you have moments when you can’t handle what the world throws at you. That night, you know what night I’m talking about. I was up at 3 am making phone calls, texts, anything to make sure someone was there to be with you because I would’ve never forgiven myself if anything would’ve happened. The night you didn’t answer me, the night I stayed up and never fell asleep until 8 am the next day, the night I cried on the floor of my dorm, the night I knew my sister needs me now more than ever, was the night I think something clicked inside of both of us.
Things turned around. Now you are on the right track back to you. I know how much you work on turning things around, and you really have come a long way. Not to say you’re finished because if I said that you would no longer have that chase- the chase of someone you wish to be. You should never give up the chase to a better you, because the day you do is the day you settle, and you my dear, deserve much more from this life than to settle.
