Have you ever woken up at 3 A.M. or just couldn't sleep. Thinking about the past, about things we didn't do or say, or things we wish we could go back and change. But it's to late. Although, it is never late to act in the present and make a difference for what it is to come in the future. We grow making many mistakes, but that's okay. Mistakes are lessons we learn during our journey.
Dear Younger self,
Everything might look foggy and you might feel like you are walking on needles. You will fall into a dark hole and try to come out of it on your own. You have a big amount of family but you will feel like you don't belong there. Getting judged and blamed for everything that happens. Everyone will expect so much from you, point fingers and talk behind your back. Most nights, you will cry yourself asleep.
There will be no support from your parents, even if you feel sad, depressed or lonely. You will keep a fake smile. But it doesn't have to be that way, crying and feeling weak from time to time is alright. You have to remember that everyone is human and making mistakes is part of the process.
There are many things you love to do, but will get discouraged easily by the way your family thinks about you. Their opinion influences a lot on your actions. But no one is there to give you a hand to get back up or a shoulder to cry on. You love, care and forgive so much, but not everyone will see the real you.
You'll get scared of losing your grandma who you call mom, the pressure of keeping her safe will grow as the years pass by. Mainly because everyone in the family thinks you are at fault when she goes to the hospital. And they will never stop and ask themselves that you are also hurting and in need of support.
Your siblings mean the world to you, but you will feel like they don't care about you at all. But hey! You have to remember one thing: there can't be a rainbow without a storm. As you grow older, you'll learn to be transparent with the right people. There might be one person in the family that will see you for you who are, will know when you are sad and will be there to be your support. That person will be like a brother to you. But he will leave you too so please hug him while you have time. Tell him how much you actually care about him, make more memories.
During that time you will be stuck in the dark hole you will find yourself trapped like a bird in a cage with no escape. You will hurt yourself in many ways, you will try to end the pain but you will fail. Crying at night becomes a routine, and smiling and laughing will be your everyday lie when everyone else is around. You will try and follow your dreams, and learn about something you always wanted but you will eventually quit.
Please I beg you, don’t do that, push yourself to do what you love. Plug your headphones on and do what you must. There will be an opportunity to make new friends and you will take the risk. Something you will always be grateful for, you will find the support, peace and love that you have always wanted. A group of friends who will soon become family to you. A group of friends who will be there for you like you will be there for them. You will care for them so much, you will try and do everything in your power to keep them safe and happy. These are the people who will guide you to the light at the end of the tunnel.
You feel worthless at the moment, used, and ignored by the people that you love the most. You will try to have a good relationship with your cousins who in return will ignore you when you need their help. I know that life is looking pretty rough right now, but I promise that things won't stay that way. Take chances, risks, and live a little. Get out of your room and walk a path on your own if you have to. There is someone waiting for you at the end of the war. You are stronger than you think. At the end of the day, the only person you need to prove yourself of is you, no one else.
Love,
The future you
