Our relationship was far from perfect, but you made me happy for a while. We had some really great times, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for those memories.
People change a lot in a year –– especially when they are as young as we are. It's not shocking that things didn't work out. Nonetheless, the breakup was hard to deal with because I had never been with someone for that long and given that much of myself.
I would be shocked if your eyes ever read these words. In the eleven months we were together, you only read my articles when I begged you to –– and even then, it would take weeks before you finally got around to it.
We broke up in one phone call. The time between I found out you were unfaithful and the minute we hung up the phone only spanned about an hour and twenty minutes. It would have been sooner if you hadn't been at work.
Our breakup has hurt me a lot, but not in any of the ways you'd expect. I wasn't surprised you were unhappy; I don't think either of us had been truly happy for a while. The fact that you searched for validation and satisfaction outside of our relationship wasn't even what hurt the most. I understood your motives, your desires, and your decisions.
I chose to not ask her for any more details, and I asked you to not tell me anything. To this day, I don't know for sure how many, when it started, or to what extent. Truthfully, I don't want to know.
It doesn't change anything.
We fell in love at a very inconvenient time. We were long distance with a notable gap in maturity and a massive disconnect in what our futures looked like. We were too immature to be in a committed relationship. I wasn't ready to commit to plans for my future, and you weren't ready to be with only one person.
People our age can fall in love and stay together, and that's what tripped me up. Months before it ended, I knew we weren't going to make it. Yet, I fell into this cycle of thinking, "If they can do it, why can't I? This is good enough."
We weren't right enough to work together long-term, but nothing about our relationship was wrong enough to end it.
Until it was.
You asked why we couldn't work past infidelity. In all honesty, if I thought that this was a one-time mistake because of a momentary lapse in judgment, we could have. But the truth is that it was deliberate and calculated.
The thing that hurt the most was that when I confronted you, you lied about it. You lied, talked around the question, and attempted to mislead me until said I had "evidence." I didn't. I was bluffing because I knew you were lying.
Even when it was painful, I was honest with you. If you take one thing away from our time together and the way it ended, I hope it is the importance of always telling the unmitigated truth.
I don't hate you, and I'm not mad that we broke up. If anything, I'm a little relieved that it's over. We both wanted out, but neither of us had the heart to do it.
Hopefully, you learned as much about yourself as I did. I hope that you continue to learn. I am a better, more self-aware, and more confident person because of the year we spent together. The way that I now approach relationships and love is different because I knew you.
While this chapter of our lives has closed, I will always treasure our time together. Though I still do not have any desire to speak with you presently, a part of me will always love you. October 29th will never be the same.
With love,
Miss Ellie James
