It's hard to believe that it has been five years already and almost another full year in February. There has been a lot going on that I wish you could be around for, but the truth is you can't. I wonder how many times you've looked down to see me sitting in the car at your grave spilling my heart out. I wonder how many times you've visited grammie in her sleep just to tell her you were still there. I wonder how many times you've seen me in situations, good or bad, and wished you could be here to comfort or congratulate me. I wish you were still here. Calling your house and getting your voice on the answering machine isn't good enough anymore, although it does make me smile.

You've missed many milestones in my life that I wish you could've been there for. Because you passed when I was in seventh grade, you missed my eighth-grade graduation. You missed my acceptance letter to Essex Aggie, which if you were paying attention up there, you knew was my dream high school. I loved that place so much. That's what fueled my passion for animals. You missed my conformation and are missing the boys too, which is very soon. I got my driver's license. You missed my acceptance into University of Maine at Farmington and graduation. Then there was college and you were not there to see me go either.

I know I shouldn't dwell on the things you weren't there for because there were plenty of things you were there for like when I was born, communion, first day of school, and much more. I guess the biggest thing I wish is that I had more time. I was young when you left, but not young enough to forget. I hear stories from our cousins of all the things you were there for and I guess I just get jealous because I ran out of time.

I remember all the trips to your house and we would always play cards. It seemed like there was always a new card game you were so eager to teach me and my brothers. I was always willing to learn. The Sunday before you passed I remember doing a presidential word search with you. No matter what we did, I always had fun when it was with you. You used to squeeze my hand on cold days and determine my hands were warm. There were all these sayings you had, but my favorite one was "You're one in a million. There's only a few of us left."

I wish I had your advice right now. I wonder what you would say to me if you've been keeping up with my life so far. Would you be proud? Would you be disappointed? It's hard not having you around anymore. There is always one less plate on the table on the holidays and a float waiting for you to sit in at the lake. We all miss you, but we all know that you're watching.

We will see you soon, but until then we just have to spend time here without your physical presence. I love you and miss you.

Sincerely,

Your lost without you granddaughter