Before anyone reads this, fair warning. There's a lot of sensitive content in this article and it gets pretty graphic with detail.

If anyone knows me, you'll know who and what this article is for. I hold this to my heart and will forever. First, I'll start this off by shouting out my ladies who've lost a child. Whether you were 4 weeks or 34 weeks- my heart goes out to you all.

I don't know where to start, I don't really know how to go about this either. Whatever way I go about this- the point of it is, you are not alone and it wasn't your fault.

To the love of my life who got away, the child I lost.

This is the rawest of raw that I will possibly ever get because no one deserves to go through this heartbreak. Losing a child has no comparing feeling, you can't compare it to hardly anything because it was life inside of you that got taken away from you. When word spreads, all people can really do is say "I'm sorry" and I understand that's not what you want to hear, I understand you hope that it was all a bad dream and you'll wake up soon...I understand.

It took one appointment, one procedure for your life to change and it happens so fast you honestly forget to breathe. September 24th, 2015- I was going to my 12-week appointment, fingers crossed that we could find out the sex of the baby. Instead, it was a regular check up appointment and I guess that was okay. After I told the good doctor that everything had been pretty good, minus the unexplained bleeding (side-note, during the pregnancy I had vaginal bleeding about 3 times, 3 separate days. I went to the ER and each time I went I was told there was nothing wrong.)- she brought out her Doppler (an instrument used to hear baby's heartbeat) and proceeded to search for my angel's heart. She sort of struggled, she explain that since I just hit 12 weeks that it could still be difficult to find, so she moved me to ultrasound. The ultrasound tech wasn't so reassuring, she was silent the whole entire time. And all we could see were just. Blobs. In that moment- I knew there was something really, really wrong. I was brought back into my room. The doctor walks in and I see the ultrasound picture in hand--I see in white letters "no fetal heartbeat" and before she even said a word...I was absolutely silent. She looks at me with the most miserable look and all she needed to say was "I'm so sorry" and.. I lost it. I must've been in my room for a good while because people were staring at me. I didn't care--I cried my ass all the way to my car. I called her dad, he was so anxious to know if we found out what the sex was, but all I could say is "she's not there" and immediately I drove out to Santa Rosa Beach and we mourned together. August 25th, 2015, my water broke. I ran to the bathroom and not to be gross but...nothing but blood everywhere. As soon as he got home, I rushed to the ER. I was admitted pretty much immediately, come to find out I had a fever of 108 and surprise--I was going into labor. I was screaming so loud they had to give me morphine because I could not stop screaming. What was I suppose to do? I don't know what hurt more, my contractions or the fact I know that my body is trying to birth out a dead baby. One thing led to another and I was taken to OR and when I woke up. I wished I hadn't.

The feeling after you wake up...You are a completely different person. You think it was all just a bad dream and that you're still pregnant. Reality doesn't hit you until you see the blood. After that? You don't know how to cope, you don't know how you're supposed to feel other than- betrayed and violated and all these other mixed emotions. The worst part of it all? You can't help but blame yourself, you start to think about how your own body straight up betrayed you, you know? People ask some send their condolences and some just flat out say "things happen for a reason, the best thing to do is to move on." Honestly? Truthfully- those are the WORST possible things you could ever say. Don't ask, some are okay with talking about it and they'll let you know but otherwise? Don't. Don't just say sorry, we get you care and wish you could help but sorry doesn't help shit. Last, but not least, saying "things happen for a reason, the best thing is to move on."- is the biggest NO there is when someone is mourning for their child. I'll say that again, THEIR CHILD. Telling someone to "move on" is more of a break-up sort of thing. Because you can, you can easily heal and just continue on with your life. Losing a child? That changes you, there is no moving on. There is only the pain easing up, there is no forgetting.

So, what do you do? You be there, be the silent shoulder we cry on. Just hold us and just say that everything will be alright. Nothing more, nothing less. We don't want your advice or sympathy. We just need someone to lean on for a while.

Just like any other traumatic event- whenever you are blessed to be pregnant again, you'll be scared shitless. I am not lying when I say that when I found out that I am pregnant I took 6 pregnancy tests in a week. It's something that is surreal to you and you can't help but be paranoid at every appointment. Please, don't expect the worst. Go in there with a blank mind, I know- easier said than done. But, however, I promise you- when you slowly let your fear go...You'll be happier and less stressed. I get you're scared and you don't want your body to fail you. The best thing to do is tell your doctor about what happened and I promise, he or she will make sure you are taken care of.

To the ones who have their children (child)- please be humble. Yes, they may get on your last nerve, but always look at him or her and tell him or her how much you love them. Because every source of life is a damn miracle. When you have someone growing inside of you- it's a miracle and it's a blessing. Yeah, the process may suck and it gets tough- I'm not going to lie, I'm in my last trimester and it has been hell... But I wouldn't change it for the world. Every appointment I go to I try my darndest not to cry. Every move she makes is always something special. Even when it's annoying as hell- it always makes me smile in any situation. I tell everyone that I'd rather financially struggle with my child than to live with knowing my child was taken from me before I even got to hold her in my arms.

This article is dedicated to my baby in the sky, the love of my life. Kamea Guanzon. Fly high baby girl- mommy misses you so much.