When I was 12, Heaven gained an angel, and I thought I lost mine. I was able to be with you in your last days and that still wasn't enough. Even though I knew that within those few days I would be losing you, when it happened- I still forgot how to breathe. Though the last few years have been constant moments of me wishing you were here physically, you've never left my side.

I find myself being reminded of you in the smallest ways. Sometimes I see you in mom's smile, because just as I look like her, she looks so much like you. I tell her every time. You raised two amazing kids, because of you I have the most amazing mother and uncle in my life. Mom always thinks of you, but you probably already knew that. You've never left her mind, or mine. She's so beautiful and so strong and so warm hearted, i know she got it from you! When you left, I remember how her light faded, smiles became rare if not non existent, and the slightest mention of you left her in tears. But she always managed to be there for me, she told me that you would visit in the form of a beautiful white butterfly. She was right. Sometimes I see you fluttering around me in every white butterfly I meet, and I swear to God I'm terrified of bugs and moths but never of you. I don't know how, but I know it's you.

It's been about 8 years, it's scary to realize. When I think about you, every memory floods back. Its like I'm drowning in memories but I don't want to come up for air. Sometimes it's the only way I get to see you when the photographs are too far. And by too far, I mean in the basement (I'm just lazy). I think one of my favorite memories has to be when we were cleaning the fish tank and we killed the poor fish because it landed on your hand, flopped onto mine and I dropped it because i was stupid. I remember laughing about it even though literally just got that fish two days before. I also think back to when I was in elementary school and you used to pick me up from school and as we walked home hand in hand, I always managed to convince you to buy me candy. Whenever you came to visit, that was my favorite. A lot of people take for granted the time they get with their grandparents, and I would give anything to get you back. Get time back. Most of my life we lived thousands of miles apart from each other. Even so, our bond never changed. Do you remember that whenever I would visit you, you used to take me to that little burek shop on your street, the one who made the burek so so good that I still talk about it to this day. I haven't been there in years. Or how about when I was in the hospital and I had been getting ready for my appendectomy and I was scared and in pain and you made me laugh and suddenly nothing else mattered. You were always there for me, without even trying.

I remember the last days before i lost you too. I try not to, but I do. I remember how I found out, when I found out. Just mere hours after I had seen you, I lost you. I remember telling you I would see you soon and be back tomorrow, but you were asleep. I remember the urge to come hug and kiss you but not wanting to disturb your sleep. I should've listened to my gut. I remember tears and nothing after. It was all a blur. I remember not being able to sleep that night. I remember waking up and praying it was all a bad dream. I remember coming back home and being asked in the middle of class why I missed school for so long. I remember saying I had lost you. I remember breaking down in tears and sobbing loudly as my class watched me unravel. I remember how I felt when all I heard for a week straight was "I'm so sorry". But "I'm sorry" never brought you back.

I remember writing letters to you everyday. Every single day. I would write every night about how hard its been, how hard it was seeing my mom cope with losing her own mom. It was hard to remember I couldn't call you and ask how you were. Every letter started with "Hey, its me again. It isn't getting easier. But we're trying." I would tell you every single thing that happened, every test grade, every milestone, every event, I just wanted it to feel like you never left.

I remember not being able to visit your grave until 2 years ago. I'm so sorry it took so long, I'm so sorry we were always so far away. I haven't written to you in a while but recently I was made conscious of your presence more than ever and I've been missing you a little extra. I miss you every day, and though it's some days more than most, I keep you with me always. Nothing's changed by the way, I still talk way too much and can never shut up, I still buy or eat kiwi and remember when you would peel them for me, I still think of you when I think of Albania, I still wish you were here so I could hug you one more time. I still wish you could have seen us all grow up, i wish you could have grown with us.

2 years ago, I visited your sister. The one who looked so much like you. I swear I remember the way my heart stopped when I thought it was you. I thought for a millisecond that after all these years, you were alive. I remember the gasp my mom let out by accident. We couldn't stop staring at her, trying to get as close to her as possible. It didn't stop with her, everyone reminded me of you, everyone was so full of love and happiness and light, just like you. I know you were smiling down at us, I know you never left. Thank you for never leaving my side, you've always been an angel but you just happen to be my guardian angel. I love you, I love you, I love you. I could never forget about you, please don't forget about me.