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Student Life

To My Future College Freshman

College is the most rewarding and painful experience of your life thus far. Have fun!

Rachel Harmon

Sep 01, 2016

Marquette University

Today

Dearest child of mine,

You are about to embark on a four-year, undergraduate journey that will change you forever. I have had the immense privilege of watching you grow, make a few endearing mistakes, make a few stupid mistakes, learn, sometimes not learn, and develop. But now that you are leaving my nest that I have fortified for you with my love and dedication, I won't be there to watch you grow, make various mistakes, learn, not learn, and develop. I have to step back, turn around, and walk away, and that is so insanely difficult for a loving mother to do to her child/young adult, so please let me have that one hug good-bye in front of your new roommate despite how "cool" you would portray yourself to be. Please let me have that moment because my heart needs it.

Precious, destined-for-greatness child of mine,

I do not care what you study for the next four years. Despite my endless nagging, I really do not care. I only care that you don't morph into an asshole when I'm gone. I trust you to remain solid in your beliefs and values. However, I know how tempting excessive binge-drinking and the notorious "bad boys" and "bad girls" are. I was a college freshman once too. Do not give up yourself for anything or anyone who can hurt you. I know that you will need to learn of the world's horrors all on your own, but now is not the time. Let's wait a year or two or five for that existential moment when you find yourself half-naked in a dumpster not able to recollect how you got there so that you can realize the shiny bullshit that is adulthood.

Cherished child of mine,

You are the reason I worry and stress. However - and more importantly - you are the thing I fight for. So when you call me telling me of an unfair, unruly professor who had the nerve to fail you, I will be very tempted to come to yourself campus, find that professor, and beat them up. I will never second-guess putting someone in their place for you. However, I can't do that anymore. You have to. This is your semi-adult life now. It's your time to organize your people. Who will you put on the highest shelf? The lowest shelf? The garbage?

Developing child of mine,

I bid you a fine, temporary farewell. As I leave you to your new friends who you probably will grow to not like in three weeks in a new place that you also will grow to not like in three weeks, I wish you the best of luck. I believe in you, kid. Now, don't you dare forget me.

Always,

Your odd yet endearing mother

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To My Future College Freshman

College is the most rewarding and painful experience of your life thus far. Have fun!

Subscribe to our Newsletter

No, I can't help you.

1. When a customer wants to return a product, hands you the receipt, where is printed "ALL SALES ARE FINAL" in all caps.

2. Just because you might be having a bad day, and you're in a crappy mood, doesn't make it okay for you to yell at me or be rude to me. I'm a person with feelings, just like you.

3. People refusing to be put on hold when a customer is standing right in front of you. Oh, how I wish I could just hang up on you!

4. Having the same conversations over and over again! To be honest I really don't even want to talk to you right now, or have this fake ass smile on my face!

5. Always having to have a smile on your face. I promise I'm not as happy as I may look!

6. Customers not understanding that sometimes, mistakes happen. I am a human being, we all mess up sometimes!

7. Having the boss from hell, it's their way or the highway! Even though I did my job correctly and efficiently, if I don't do it the exact way you do, I'm a piece of shit.

8. Having coworker who don't help out, who bend the rules just enough to screw you over.

9. Having to be at work after closing because a customer is taking forever and half! Not like I'd like to go home or anything!

10. Having shitty hours and more shifts than you asked for. Just because we don't have enough workers, doesn't mean I want to pick up every shift that you cant cover, oh great boss of mine!

11. Not having time for a social life. It gets old saying, "I can't I have work..." Every day of the week!

12. Having that lazy costumer who can't do anything for themselves... no please I'll get that, it's no problem at all!

It's just my face, I swear.

1. When you meet new people, they automatically assume you hate them or are rude.

2. People are constantly asking you if you're OK.

3. After being friends with someone for a while, they confess to you, "I thought you were so mean when I first met you," or, "I thought you hated me."

4. You get told to smile more, but they don't understand how scary that would be.

5. You're always labeled as seeming "judgy."

6. Passing a friend with your RBF in full force and not realizing you just shot them a death glare.

7. Being sarcastic, but everyone thinks you're outright rude.

8. Not knowing how mean you really look until you see a picture of yourself in resting face.

9. Your apologies never sound sincere because of your emotionless face.

10. Your "mad face" scares you.

11. And, lastly, people are constantly asking you if you are happy or having a good time because you look bored to death.

Please hold your blonde joke.

1. "Is Elle Woods your spirit animal?"

2. "Is that your natural hair color?"

3. "Oh wow, you get good grades at school?"

4. "You must really like the color pink!"

5. "You’re probably not into sports, right?"

6. "You must have such a bubbly personality."

7. "Your wardrobe must consist of all things preppy."

8. "What sorority are you in?"

9. "You were probably a cheerleader in high school."

10. "You look like you’re from L.A. because your hair is so light."

11. "You definitely like Pumpkin Spiced Lattes from Starbucks!"

12. "Do you actually think blondes have more fun?"

13. "You must encompass the typical “white girl” stereotype."

14. "Is that daddy’s credit card you’re using?"

15. "So all of your friends are blonde too?"

16. "I’m surprised about you; I thought you would be a lot ditsier."

The world's greatest university meets the world's greatest show.

1. When you get your acceptance letter

2. When you try to figure out how class enrollment works

3. When it’s move in day

4. When you arrive on campus and see all of the attractive people

5. FROG Week

6. When you find your squad

7. When you visit DHall (RIP) or EHall for the first time

8. When you take on way too many credits

9. When you go to your first party at JMU

10. When the rival school shows up for the homecoming game (or any game really)

11. Sunday Brunch

12. When you see the infamous “preacher” for the first time

13. The first snow day

14. Madipalooza

15. When finals week rolls around

16. When you have to say goodbye

17. And when you finally get to go back

Do you have a small get-together or throw a big bash?

1. Your family and friends ask what you want for your birthday, so you give them a list of options.

2. You're super excited about your birthday the week before.

3. Your family flies in town to celebrate with you.

4. Your siblings wake you up.

5. Your friends are so excited to be with you on your big day.

6. If you work, your office might throw a party for you.

7. For your actual party, you plan a small get-together with close family and friends ...

8. ... or large celebration with everyone you know.

9. You eat the best meal you've had in weeks.

10. You devour the first piece of cake proudly.

11. You embarrass yourself somehow.

12. You get the present you really wanted but thought no one would get you.

13. You are a little sad about getting older.

14. That feeling wears off and you realize how happy you are to have family and friends to celebrate this day with you.

15. The morning after your birthday looks something like this.

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