My dear friend,
During the holiday season when shopping centers and roads are bustling with people getting ready to celebrate with family and friends, the song “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” comes to mind. But you’ve made me realize that, for some people, this time of year isn’t wonderful. For some, it’s downright sad.
I got the call last night that you had gone to heaven – by choice. As I got this news, my heart raced wildly for a moment before it sank completely, and then I became overwhelmed with emotion. Completely overwhelmed. You were one of the most genuine, smartest, and kindhearted guys I have ever known. Instantly I began recalling every moment we spent together - the good times we shared, and the heart-to-heart talks we had. I’ve spent the last 24 hours going through my phone and Macbook (and my OLD phone and laptop as well) looking at pictures and videos of us. Some of the memories made me smile, some made me cry; others made me roll my eyes and laugh through my tears (like the time I recorded BOTH of us singing Gavin DeGraw while riding in the backseat of my mom’s car).
Depression is real, and the chemical imbalances it causes are difficult to understand fully. It is too often a private struggle; how can one really explain why you are sad or overwhelmed when by all appearances your life seems good- on the surface. But, that’s so much a part of it. The thoughts and feelings that plagued you were underneath and always lurking.
I wonder if you always knew that your life would end too soon. I also wonder, as is everyone, if I could have done or said anything to help or save you. There are so many questions for which I’ll never have answers; the biggest one being “How can this be true?” I just miss you so much already.
Did you know how much you were loved? I hope you did; I think you did. But I also think this wasn’t about us. Those of us grieving you…angry, scared, frustrated, devastated…all we ever wanted was for you to be happy and healthy; to share time and to create more memories with you. I think you knew this…I hope you knew this. I don’t think you did this to us, and I don’t believe you thought we failed you.
I will honor you and the friend that you were to me. I will be kind in the way that you were, smiling and gentle with everyone I ever saw you meet. I will be curious and strive to keep learning every day of my life. I will laugh and play every chance that I get because sometimes those chances are too few. I will be faithful, like you showed me, in the way that touches people where they are in that moment - and shows them God’s face.
I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why you made this choice; perhaps people who haven’t lived the same struggles will never fully understand. But I do know that you must’ve been incapable of finding peace here. And I pray that you are at peace now. Rest easy.
Your friend,
Me
If anyone reading this is struggling with depression, or knows someone who is, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline number is 1-800-273-8255; it’s open 24 hours a day. Please give them a chance to help.
