People always complain about their annoying little brothers, but that's all I've ever wanted with you.

The first thing that I want to establish is that I love you dearly. We don't see or speak to each other, but you need to know that I would take a bullet for you. I remember back to a time when things weren't as bad as they are now. I was only a few years old when I sat with Dad, watching out the den window as they brought you home for the first time. I thought from that moment on that you would be my best friend— but it didn't work out that way.

You and I took different paths in life.

You went with our Dad, I went with my Mom, and times weren't easy. I was jealous for a long time when I realized that you were with Dad more than I was, but I soon understood that it was for the best. You were far too young to understand why there were tons and tons of empty beer cans lying around. You were just a kid and so was I, but I knew what it meant. You see, Dad had and still has a problem. I'm not sure if you understand it yet, you probably do now that he's been in and out of rehab more. It wasn't just the drinking, but it was also the drugs and the negligence. It wasn't safe for us, but I was the one who was able to leave. I wish more than anything that I could've taken you away from all of that.

I don't know what kinds of things you've seen since we were last together. I don't know what kind of pain you've endured. I see on social media that Dad still goes to your dirt biking competitions. I'm glad he's here for you instead of here for me. You need him more than I do. A boy needs his father. I just wish he could be a better father to you because you deserve the best dad in the world.

There are a few things that I need to say to you, things I need to get off my chest.

Do your homework on time. Eat healthy food. Don't get into too much trouble. Just the normal things that big-sisters should say. Not only that, but I want you to be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be. I don't want you to take the road of drugs and alcohol. You are such an amazing kid and you have so many opportunities ahead of you. Don't let Dad damage you the way he has damaged himself. You can lead a spectacular life as long as you make good decisions, and I have faith that you'll do that.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you the way I should've been. That is still one of my biggest regrets in life. I'm sorry that you and I didn't get to be a family like we could've been. Maybe one day we can be. Maybe one day our future kids will be able to be proper cousins and we can spend holidays together. Maybe one day we can have the relationship that we weren't able to before.

You're a special person and I'll repeat that until I no longer have the breath in my lungs to say so. You have a sparkle in your eye when you smile and that will take you places in life. You're talented, smart, funny, and you are so much better than Dad ever was.

I love you so much, kiddo. When the time is right, please come find me. I'll wait for as long as it takes.

Love,

Your big sister.