September 7, 2016—
So, Dad.
Just like every therapist has ever told me, holidays, birthdays, and other normally good occasions can get a depressing reaction out of me.
And unfortunately, my 21st birthday is no different.
My birthdays have never really gotten to me until now.
As of September 8, 2016, I will be 21 years old, an official adult who can legally drink. But that's really the last thing on my mind. The thing that is weighing me down is the fact that my birthday is another whole year without you. The last time you were physically in my life, I was only 14, and as of tomorrow I will be 21 years old.
You have been gone for six years, but missed out on very important chapters of my life. I started high school, became a CNA, got my driver's license, got accepted into nursing school, and am now a junior in college.
My biggest fear is waking up at 50 years old and saying "I have not had my Dad for 36 years." That's really scary for me. Because that number grows by the second, whether I acknowledge it or not.
I plan on living to 100 years old, so unfortunately the number is really going to grow — and fast.
September 8, 2016—
Hey, Dad.
Today is my birthday. Since your 54th birthday would have been a week ago today, I still consider myself the best birthday present you had ever gotten — even if I was a week past your actual birthday ... 21 years ago today.
My countdown that began about three months ago has finally hit zero days. I feel good today. I got a sign on my door from my neighbor, a cupcake from my favorite cafeteria worker at my college, and I am going out with my mom, sister, and best friends to celebrate.
I got through today's classes, then I drove down to my hometown with my friends to meet my mom and sister. I got carded, had my first drinks, and had a great time.
But all throughout the day and night, I had a lot on my mind. Fortunately, it did not put a damper on my day at all. My brain was stuck in the fact that I am now a legal adult.
As much as I do miss you, it took me until today where I can say that it's going to be OK. It has been 7,671 days since I was born, and as much as I have wished it in the past, the days aren't going to stop so I can have what I have for a while longer. They are going to keep going and going until I am an old lady.
I have to keep doing what I have been doing for the past 2,250 days since you left this Earth — just live one day at a time.
If I can make it through my teenage years without you, Dad, as much as I wish I didn't have to, I can make it through my whole life. That sounds like a scary, morbid thought. But it really isn't.
I am strong enough and persistent enough where nothing is going to get in my way and put a stop to my life aside from old age. No heartbreak, no matter how great, can take my life away from me.
It may be the old age talking, or it may be my first time out talking, but I had 14 years of birthday memories with you and I am grateful for them. I always had fun birthday parties with plenty of gifts, food and cake— I still do. I always was surrounded by family and friends to celebrate my birthdays with me, and I still am surrounded by them.
The only difference is you are no longer physically here, but eternally present in a different way. I truthfully believe you were a part of the reason why my birthday was so great. You watch over us all every day and somehow help the universe work out for me.
So thank you, it's kind of cool to have a guardian angel like you, in a bittersweet kind of way.
I love you, Dad. I hope you smiled and enjoyed my birthday along with us.
Like I have said before, thank you for picking such a good woman to be your wife and my Mom. With her, everything in my life is possible.
Love you always,
Rosey
