Dear Leah,
It's been tough. Your life has been full of struggle and sorrow and pain that I might not ever understand. I will never fully understand why you hurt yourself, why you wanted to kill yourself or why you struggled so much inside your head. You've gone through situations that no one should ever have to go through. You've dealt with issues that a lot of people will never understand. You have scars, emotionally and physically, that may never go away. You live in a world where sometimes you feel alone, forgotten and unimportant. You've spent more nights than you can count crying, hurting, bleeding, fighting, struggling, seeking, striving and almost dying for love.
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It's also been beautiful, despite your struggles. Your life has been full of smiles and laughter and joy that I cannot understand. I can't understand how you keep going, how you keep striving for life, how you keep fighting the desire in your head to end it all. You've gone through situations that no one should ever have to go through, and yet you're still here. You've dealt with issues that a lot of people will never understand, yet you forgive their misunderstanding and seek to help them understand. You have scars, emotionally and physically, that may never go away, but they will always remind you how much you've been through and how strong you must be to have made it through. You live in a world where sometimes you feel alone, forgotten, and unimportant, but each day you strive to show yourself that you aren't alone, that we remember you, and that you are so very important to so many people. You've spent more nights than you can count crying, hurting, bleeding, fighting, struggling, seeking, striving, and almost dying for love, but you can still smile, laugh, heal, fight, struggle, seek, strive and live for love.
Our friendship has been a roller coaster. I was in no way prepared for your personality and your spunk. We became instant best friends, and we did almost everything together. You've seen parts of my heart that I haven't shown many other people. We've seen each other laugh, and we've seen each other cry. We spent Father's Day together because both of us know the pain that day brings for us individually. We've held each other during panic attacks. We've comforted each other in some of the darkest times. We've drifted close and drifted apart, but no matter what the circumstances are, I've loved you and wanted nothing but the best for you. The possibility of living in a world that doesn't have you in it terrifies me.
Because I love you so much, and because I want you to know the love that God has shown to me, I feel it would be wrong of me to not say this next part. It may not always seem like it, but God loves you. God delights in the fact that you exist. God is waiting for you to go to him, to ask him for help. He is longing for you to talk to him. He is longing to reveal himself to you. Believe me, I get it. Your life has been so hard. It doesn't seem like God is there for you, or that he cares about you. It seems like He has left you in the dust to deal with all this hurt by yourself. I've been there. I've questioned God's existence. I've asked myself so many times, If God really loves me, why would He let me hurt like this? Why would He let me suffer?
The answer can be difficult to swallow. He uses the hard times in our lives to show us just how much we really need Him. If life were perfect, we wouldn't need a savior. Only God can satisfy our needs. The things and people of this world will always let you down, just as they've shown you over and over again.
Your father has let you down. I have let you down. None of us are perfect. Jesus is the only one that will never let you down. Jesus is right there with you. Jesus is how you've survived this battle. Jesus knows that it isn't time for you to leave us yet. God still has a plan for you. He isn't finished with you yet. How do I know? Because you are still here. You are still fighting to live and to love the way God created you to.
Throughout your life, God has and will continue to use you to impact those around you. You inspire people, Leah. You have shown people that no matter what life throws in your face, you can get through it. You are beyond strong, baby girl. It may not feel like it, but God is right there, holding your hand, giving you strength to fight for life, for love and for joy. Ask Him to show Himself to you, and He will. He hasn't given up on you. And neither should you.
If you ever feel unappreciated or unimportant, remember this. I asked people that know you, "What word comes to mind first when you think of Leah?"
These were their responses: Strong. Loving. Lovely. Beautiful. Bubbly. Inspiring. Gorgeous. Uplifting. Powerful. Hope. Love. Caring. Bold. Outgoing. Dedicated. Strong.
You are loved. You are missed. You are important.
Love Always,
Taylor
