Trying to find the words to describe the feeling of losing a friend is painfully tough. It’s like that really big ball you feel in the middle of your throat when you want to cry but it hurts too much. It’s a feeling of constantly missing you. It’s a feeling that will never fade away or get better, it just stays the same and time goes on and on without you.

To my dearest friend that I had to say goodbye to:

I am so blessed to have had you in my life. You were so many smiles as we were growing up. You were my laughter that cascaded through my house. You were the nights of endless sleep where we would stay up and watch the same movies over and over again. You were the first person I thought of when I knew I was in trouble, because I knew you were probably right there with me. You were the tears I shed when I found out about what had happened. You are one of the main reasons I feel safe when I am alone. You are and will always be, my guardian angel.

Some days, I feel like it’s all a movie and you can’t really be gone. I always get the feeling to send you a text message, or a funny Snapchat. Sometimes I still do. I want to call you and gossip to you about everything that has happened in my life. I want to tell you about school, work, and my wonderful friends. I want to call you up and hear about everything that you have been doing. If I had to guess, I would assume you would have a wonderful boyfriend in your life and he always brings you flowers after you get off work. I say that because I would also assume that work stresses you out. You would tell me about the new puppy that you’ve been wanting since we were little and you named her something silly, like Wasabi or Pluto. We would exchange pictures of our family to see how much they have been growing and changing. We would talk about a future vacation that me and all of our friends would take together.

The night I found out about you was one of the worst nights in my entire life. It broke into a million and one pieces. I was sitting in my bedroom watching something on Netflix. I had gotten a call from a friend asking why one of your friends and mine is sad about losing someone close to them. I instantly had to call her and figure out what was going on. She didn’t answer at first so I stalked Facebook like crazy until I found it. I found someone giving you prayers and telling you to rest easy. She called me back in tears and told me what was thought to have happened. No one really knows exactly what went on and why you left us, but I try my hardest to not dwell on the reasons. I try not to think about it because it makes me even sadder and it makes me furious. I had a mental breakdown before your funeral and I sat in my bathroom and cried until I couldn’t breathe anymore. I knew that wasn’t how you wanted me to remember you. The day of your funeral, every one there tried to share their favorite memory of you, I never shared mine then, but I will right now.

We were at your house and your parents had told you to get all of your chores done before we did anything. You started on dishes and I was vacuuming. You let out one of the worst screams I have ever heard come out of your mouth, so I rushed over to the sink to see what happened and you lifted your hand out of this pink soapy water. There was a huge slash through your whole palm. I hurried to the phone to call my mom and while I was doing that you had tears coming out of your eyes but you were giggling. You couldn’t stop crying because of the pain but you were laughing so hard at the fact that you were crying over a cut on your hand that I don’t think you really realized what emotion you wanted to show. My mom came and got us and she brought you to the hospital so that you could get it glued back up. We laughed the entire way there, the entire way back, and for the continuing days of our lives. I still laugh and remember that day like it was yesterday.

I just want you to know that I miss you. I also want you to know that I am sorry we never kept in touch a couple months before you left Earth. I regret not calling you that week you were in town. I know you would tell me it’s okay and that we were both probably busy, but I can’t help but always feel so far from you because of that. I know you’re always here with me, our friends, your family, your brothers. We will never be without you. And one day we will meet again at the gates of Heaven. I love you.