Growing up with you, without truly knowing who you are hurt. I've seen the way autistic children who aren't babied turn out and it makes me hate our parents for giving you anything you wanted without a fight. It made me mad when my boyfriend's mom gave mom pamphlets out of the goodness of her heart and she tossed them away, along with your future. Let me get off of this subject before this turns into a revenge prose.
It Wasn't Your Fault
I saw how you hid under the blankets and cried when mom blamed you for dad leaving. It wasn't your fault, they just fell apart. You didn't cause it. He'd stopped loving her long ago. Mom probably didn't mean to direct her blame at you, she was just hurt and angry. I've experienced the symptoms of grief, of depression, and anxiety and I can tell you that no matter how much she tried to hold it at bay there was no way she could.
I Know You Can Understand Me
I know you're intelligent. Most autistic children have one niche they're killer at, for one of my high school friends it was art, and for you it was technology. I literally watched you take a VCR apart and put it back together. You might be able to get away with a bunch when mom is concerned, but with me, you better guess again. I know you can understand me when I tell you not to do something.
You Don't Have To Put Up With Baby Talk
Your face falls when mom uses the same tone with you that she does her dog. It annoys you, and it annoys me that she does it. You're an adult woman for crying out loud! If I hate getting that talk from customers who come through my line with the mindset that I'm stupid, I know you hate it. You have ways of making mom understand that you're human, just like you made me understand.
You Would Have Had A Lovely Voice
From the little words that I've heard you speak, I think you would have had a light, tiny voice like me. From the way you cursed me (my fault for teaching you my vocabulary), I know it would have also been sassy, strong. You probably would have been even stronger than me. If the psychiatrist who said I ripped your voice from you because I spoke too much was correct in his theory, then I'll spend the rest of my life hating myself for it.
Sometimes I Wonder What Kind Of Life You Would Have Had
I wonder if you would have gotten married before me, what you would have majored in college, or even if you would have gone. I cried when you walked across the stage and got your certificate in high school because I knew this graduation would bring you no future. I wonder if you would have had more friends than me. If my friends would have liked you more than me. I wonder what kind of person you would have been.
I Wish It Would Have Been Me
Lastly, I wish it would have been me rather than you. With how brilliant you are with technology there are a million things you could have learned and done with it. Me, I majored in theatre and creative writing. I'm a wielder of words but you, you could have been something really awesome. I wish you would have had a chance. I wish it would have been me.
Regrets
I should have fought for you harder, I wish I had told mom not to baby you. I could have told our parents how I felt, made them listen. Most of all, I regret that I'll never hear my best friend's voice, that I'll never know your thoughts.
