To My Sweet Baby Boy,

As we're coming up on the anniversary of your due date, I find myself thinking more and more about you. You would be four this year. FOUR! Where has the time gone? I can't believe that it has been so long since you have been gone, yet I still can not even imagine that it has been long enough that we would be thinking about school.

I often think about things like what you would look like right now. I'm sure you would have dark hair like your father, but I hope you would have my blue eyes. And I'm sure you would love being outside playing in the dirt, or splashing in the water. I wonder how tall you would be. Both of your parents are on the shorter side, but all of your cousins are rather tall for their ages, so there's still a chance that you would be tall. I wonder about your health. Like would you have allergies like me? Or breathing problems? Or would you wear glasses? Would you get the "chubby kid syndrome" like both of us did, or would you be tall and lanky? You'd probably be a little butterball. And it makes me smile to imagine that.

I do wonder where you and I would be. If we would still be living in that apartment built at my parent's house or if we would be out on our own. Would you spend your days bouncing around from one grandma to another, getting love everywhere you go? Would I be on the same career path that I am now, or would I be doing something completely different? And I often think about how involved your father would be. I wonder if he would be out of town for school or work, and rarely ever see you. Or if he would be heavily involved, spending most weekends with you, and taking you on little overnight trips to the beach.

But most of all, I find myself thanking God for the little time I had with you. In those short months and weeks, I learned how to love. And in those months and years after, I was able to learn so much more about myself than I ever thought possible. Your little life had such an impact. One that is unimaginable. You saved me from myself. You saved your father from himself. And you were able to show both of us that the true meaning of life is love. You also showed us that the love we shared was for you, not for each other. And we have both been able to grow and flourish on our own, in separate lives. And for that, I am so grateful to you, little boy. You in your existence, you brought me closer to my family. And in your passing, you brought me joy for the future.

For you, I am so so grateful. You were planned by God, prayed over urgently, and loved greatly. Your teeny tiny life was not for nothing, for you are the single greatest love I could have ever known. I didn't know that I could feel such a passion for someone I never got the chance to see, but there you were. I held you every second of your life, and I will love you for every second of mine.

Please give your great-grandmother a hug for me, and tell her that I love her and that I miss her. And have your eye on which angels to send down for me next. For one day, though not any day soon, I want to love your brothers and sisters as much as I love you, and I want for you to love them too.

I love you forever, my sweet angel,

Mommy