Dear 12 Year Old Me,
First, I want to apologize. Not only for the way that others treated you, but for the way I treated you. You were truly and utterly alone and even I gave up on you. But I'm here. We're here. We've come so far and I've come to tell you the things I wish I'd known then.
I want you to know that it's okay that you don't like the way you look. Your body has just begun to grow and you're only a bud, not the blossom you desperately want to be. It's okay that you feel like a walking fun-house mirror because in just a few years, you'll look in the mirror and feel beautiful. And you'll realize you always were. So don't fret and cry on the bathroom floor because you're too flat or too thin or not pretty enough. You are a beautiful young woman who is blooming.
I want you to know that you shouldn't listen to the harsh words that others say to you. I know it's hard because everywhere you turn is a scathing remark. I want you to know that their words have nothing to do with you and everything to do with everyone else, and what they're projecting onto you. So no, don't listen when they call you names, spread mean rumors or harm you physically. It hurts now, but you can't hide yourself away underneath a shield of armor forever. There will come others to hurt you, yes, but also others to love and cherish you. Welcome them in with open arms and don't let fear of pain and hate rule your life.
I want you to know that it's okay to be alone. To feel alone. I know it's hard, not having a single friend to turn to when things are hard, but you will learn to trust yourself. To love yourself. You will have so many friends in the future you won't know what to do with yourself. Just be sure not to push them away because you are so used to the isolation of a dark room. Turn on the lights and open the door. Let the love in and friends will find you.
I want you to know that love does exist. I know it's hard when the boys around you look at you like you don't exist, but know that love is real. And love will find you. Yes, you will get your heart broken. Many times. But again, friends will support you. They will help you find a light when you want to hide in the dark. And along will come a boy who looks at you with stars in his eyes. A boy who thinks you shine like the sun. You will fall so madly in love that you will forget what heartbreak ever was. So be cautious, but wear your heart on your sleeve, proudly, the way you were always meant to.
I want you to know that it's okay to have your life planned out to a T. And it's okay to throw those plans away and start over. You will change your mind many times and feel the world crumble in your fingers. You will find what you love. And you will pursue it. Don't forget to dream and reach, when caught up in the security of reality. Sometimes, we all need a little hope. So put on your bravest face and step into the lights. You will find your home there. You will find yourself there.
I want you to know that it's okay to struggle with loving yourself. It's hard. I didn't love you at first. It took time. It took the help of friends who pulled me out of my armor, of a boy who reminded me who I was, of a passion that took control of me and pushed me forward when I didn't know the definition of hope anymore. And then a day will come when you wake up ready to face the world. A day when you look in the mirror and smile at who you see smiling back. A day when you realize you can stand on your own two feet without anyone to catch you. And you will realize that you love yourself. That you love life. And you want to live each moment ready to face the world. It seems so far, so out of reach, but know that day is coming to you. Be ready. Be prepared. And keep fighting.
Dear 12 Year Old Me,
I know you have a long, uphill battle coming. And you're already weary from the fight. But it isn't impossible. It isn't unachievable. You will get there. I know.
I'm the living proof that you can do it.
Love,
20 Year Old Me.
