Everyone always wants to start fresh, but doesn't want to step outside of their comfort zone of what they have; no matter how bad and awful it is. My biggest advice is weighing the options and whatever you decide is best; then do what's best. For me, Turning the page and starting on a blank page was my best option.
I finally realized that I needed to start over, I needed to start on a blank page and decide my future from that point on. That the past did not define me anymore. I was allowed to decide from that point further what I wanted to do. I didn't have the toxicity around me. The absence of toxicity is overwhelming, and I lived in a state of fear from that point because I didn't want to return to that place and be around that person. It is hard to start over, because it is an overwhelming feeling. Everything you knew is ripped away underneath your feet and you have no sense of direction besides you've got to keep moving.
I wanted to be on a blank page, where I was the only one holding the pen. I wanted to start clean. I left everything in the previous pages. Those do not define me now. Those pages only helped me get to where I am.
It took me years and years to finally reach this stage. I was always that girl that believed in continuously giving it my all, I didn't believe in not giving it my all. Time after time, I honestly ended up feeling unsatisfied and felt empty. It was almost like giving my all wasn't enough and left me empty. I could only take so much. I kept trying to reason and tell myself, "Hey, things will get better! Look up, buttercup! They really didn't mean that! They won't do it again. Blame the alcohol. It wasn't really them! " However, we all know that it doesn't get better. That alcohol doesn't justify their actions. I kept telling myself, just let the toxic person go. {https://www.theodysseyonline.com/to-the-toxic-person-im-letting-go } However, I knew to let them go but what to do afterwards always seemed to be the problem.
It took me months to finally reach the courage to describe this to someone else. I understand if you're experiencing this, this isn't something I would even wish upon my worse enemy. The hardest part is having the person that's supposed to love you unconditionally , and be your support system do this to you. It is heart breaking to watch anyone go through this, especially a loved one... but definitely hard for it to be a parent. Then having to decide that the way they've been your whole life that it isn't going to change, and it only gets worse. To truly let your parent go and have absolutely no communication with them is hard. However, It is time for me to be selfish. It is time for me to do what's best for me, and what is best for my future. You can keep chasing what ever is at the end of the bottles, CONGRATULATIONS! You have pushed your daughter away, and cause scars on my life. I'm unsure if I can ever trust you again. I'll chase my dreams, and be thankful for the family I do have actively involved in my life.
