I will always feel guilty for what I did to you, for what he did to you.
Neither of us knew that the other existed in the beginning. We both saw the same charming, cute boy. We both fell for him. We didn’t anticipate any of what happened. We thought that he was loyal, that he was a good guy. I didn’t know that you were in the picture, and if I had, I wouldn’t have spent another second with him from the moment that I found out.
When I met him, he seemed like a normal guy.
A few days after we started “talking,” he followed me on Instagram. He had pictures with his “ex,” with you. He said he was just too lazy to delete them after you broke up, but he didn’t say when that was. There were so many, so I began questioning it. He still insisted that you were no longer together, but didn’t convince me of that. There wasn’t anything else suspicious, so I tried to forget about it.
About a week or two later, he warned me about you.
He told me that you were going to try to talk to me, to tell me lies about him. Red flag. Why would you do that if there wasn’t a reason for it? He said you were crazy, that you weren’t over him and wanted to make it so that no one else could have him. I didn’t really believe that. I realized that he was hiding something.
Then I saw you together.
After he told me that he didn’t feel like going out that night, I saw him out with you. He saw me, but I don’t think you did. He saw when I put one finger up in the air and walked right past you. My friends saw it too. They called him a man whore, a piece of crap, worthless, all to make me feel better. They said you were ugly, which was the furthest thing from the truth. They said you were probably just a dumb slut, which also wasn’t true. They wiped the tears from my eyes. The tears weren’t because he hurt me, even though he did. The tears were because I fell for it. I knew that something wasn’t right, but I still let him drag me along.
You know the funny part? He tried covering that up too.
He tried saying that you forced him to meet you out to “talk.” I don’t know you very well, but I really don’t think you pulled him out of his apartment by his hair. You can correct me if I’m wrong, but you really don’t seem like that kind of person. He blew up my phone all night telling me that I was overreacting, that it wasn’t anything. He lied for the hundredth time. He lied to both of us.
When I finally talked to you, he was furious.
He did nothing short of freaking out. He knew he’d be caught and that he wasn’t going to get away with it. When I did talk to you, I felt horrible. I couldn’t believe that he did that to you. I saw you and wondered why he did it. You were undeniably beautiful. You seemed sweet and kind. You were kind to me, even after I ruined your relationship. How could he do this to a person like that? I compared myself to you and wondered why he did it. What could he possibly have wanted me for when he had you? It blew my mind. I still don’t understand it.
I still blame myself. I blame myself for not figuring it out more quickly.
I blame myself for letting it get so far. I blame myself for falling for a guy like that. I tell myself that if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else. There were other girls, but how many of them came forward like this? I’ve tried to convince myself that it was the right thing to do, to not just cut things off with him, but to come clean to you. I know it hurt you because it hurt me too. He didn’t deserve you and he doesn’t deserve anyone if he’s going to treat them like this. I hope for the sake of any girl in his future that he changes, but I don’t know if that will ever happen.
I know what it’s like to be the girl that was cheated on.
I know what it’s like to be the “other girl,” the girl that he cheated with. I don’t know what it’s like to be the cheater. I will never be able to do that to another person. It destroys so much of you to lose the one you cared for because they weren’t satisfied with just you. It’s never your fault, it’s theirs. There is something wrong with them if they can do hurt a person this badly and make them feel like we feel.
I am so sorry that he did this to you and I sincerely hope that it never happens to you again with any other guy. No one deserves that, but especially not you.
