I write this with the utmost bias. I came into college not having the slightest interest in joining a fraternity, and that is not because I don’t think they are beneficial or anything. They just didn’t interest me. I get it that you can make “lifelong brothers,” but as I am a twin and I also go to school/room with my twin, I don’t need another brother to live with. Hell, I don’t even like my twin brother, what makes you think I would like 50+ other “bros?"

Anyways, I am not here to bash on fraternity/sorority life; I am sure it’s tight as hell. I am here to just entertain you with some personal stories of mine as I have experienced college as a GDI. A GDI is a “God-Damn Independent" for all of you not frat folks. This term does not offend me. If anything, I use it to give my frat friends s**t. That’s the best kind of humor right, self-humiliation? If you don’t think so, then you are p***y.

One of the worst things about not being in a fraternity is storing alcoholic beverages. Being of Polish descent, I like to drink. Not like “ruin every personal relationship because I can’t put the bottle down” kind of drinking, it’s more like the “let me make a complete asshat of myself in front of everyone, puke, rally, then do it all over again” kind of drinking. Anyways, living in a dorm for the past three years has prepared me in the ways of smuggling alcohol into my room, just like Pablo Escobar trained people to shove cocaine packs up their bungholes (I swear there was no butt stuff, just elaborate hiding devices).

If you have ever seen the hit 2010 action/comedy film “The Other Guys,” starring Mark Wahlberg, then you will understand this next reference. If you have not, you were probably watching Hallmark movies with your mother. Anyways, one of the perks I have experienced with being a GDI is that I feel like I have been a part of the frat without having to actually be called a “pledge bitch”. What I mean by this is that during my freshman year, I befriended two complete losers (you guys know who you are), and as we would be doing our physics homework like a bunch of nerds, while they would also be studying their frat handbooks. I would always heckle them about joining a fraternity just because I am a complete jackass and love to give people s***.

Here comes the movie reference. In the movie, Mark Wahlberg admits to his girlfriend that he learned ballet so he could make fun of all of the other kids doing ballet. This basically sums up what I did, to a certain extent at least. I would learn all of their ways, but I would remember random facts about the fraternity that are pointless, but help me give the guys s**t. This knowledge would come in handy during a drunken escapade during Manhattan’s beloved “Fake Patty’s Day.” During the 2016 event, I wandered into the house of the frat at their Kansas State University campus, and man, was this place a s**t-hole. I wouldn’t even call this a house. Anyways, they asked me for the handshake and what chapter I was from, and boy, did I repeat the correct answer. I repeated it as fast as if I had rehearsed a lie to tell my mother why I scorched our kitchen rug in 2005.

The other great thing about not having to pledge a fraternity here at Baker University is the parties. Since a bunch of the soccer guys are all in the same house, most of us guys are allowed to party to our hearts desire (or until we puke in someone’s room). This always give us a venue to attempt to woo a girl and to most likely get shutdown. Either way, I always have a great time consuming a liver-damaging beverage while having a few laughs with a bunch of great people.

Basically I just wrote this because I wanted to let you know I am comparable to a jackass of a character from an action/comedy film, and that I have at least two friends. Now you can take my experience with a grain of salt or pepper (I don’t know which seasoning you like, and I don’t really care). Whatever you end up doing with your college experience, I don’t really care, you are still a jabroni, and my life will still be just as s**tty.