I went the majority of my life not knowing you were living in my mind and not paying rent. Okay first of all rude, and second of all how dare you enter where you're not wanted? I have no clue when you decided to just move in and make yourself at home but I wish with everything I have that you never came. I hate you, and that's not a phrase I use lightly.
You make it so when I ask questions I become afraid to ask anymore because I don't want to be annoying. You make me feel like people who are my friends don't really like me but I don't know why, but I can't ask because I don't want them to have more reasons not to like me but, again, I don't know why they don't. You make my stomach drop whenever I get texts saying "can I talk to you" because I instantly wonder what I've done wrong or why someone is mad at me even when I know I haven't done anything.
When it comes to the people in my corner, I always shy away. I know they're there, but I can't unload the stresses and anxieties you cause me to them because it might turn them away, plus they might be dealing with worse things than me. Of course, bottling everything up never helps in the end but what else can I do when I'm always so nervous that nobody will listen?
A year ago, I went through every day dreading getting out of bed because I didn't know how you were going to affect me that day. I had no idea what was wrong with me, why I was always stressed out, why I was convinced that I was dying.
Then I got a diagnosis. Then I found out it was you. You were causing me all that pain. My question is why?
You make me feel the need to always, always, always apologize. "I'm sorry for this", "I'm sorry for that", "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" well for once I don't want to be sorry! Why should I be sorry for having feelings, for taking up space, for expressing my opinions?
Why do I say "I'm sorry" when people say "stop saying sorry"?
Why do I care so much about what other people think?
Why can't I stop?
I hate how much power you have over me. I hate that I went a semester scared to walk to the dining hall because I was afraid of seeing people that had hurt me and I was worried how you'd make me feel. Would I break out in a cold sweat and feel my throat closing up, or would I just be able to walk away and breathe a little heavier a few seconds later? It was a game of Russian Roulette and not one I was fond of playing.
Though you have power over me, you do not own me. You don't own me now and you never will. I'll never let you have that kind of hold over me. I know tomorrow I will wake up and you'll still be there, but I'll go through my day ignoring you to the best of my ability and just living my life the way I want.
Though I know that no matter how badly I wish you would just leave me alone, I also know you will never fully be erased from me. You may be scratched in my brain folds but I recognize you now. I know what to look for. I know what you do, and what and how you make me feel.
I know you now and you can't control me anymore.
There are still bad days, of course there are. Life wasn't meant to be easy! It was meant to be a ride, and those bad days make the good ones so much better.
I know one day I'll be able to look in the mirror and not even feel a wisp of your poisons in my brain. One day, I'll be free to do what makes me happy without you holding me back from it with fears and worries or whispering that I can't get my hopes up too much. Screw that, I'll do what I want and you won't be able to stop me.
Until then though, I'll just keep moving on away from you and lessening your affect on me one day at a time. You may be a part of my mind that I see often now, but one day you'll just be a fleeting thought every once in a while that comes and goes with the wind.
Sincerely,
Me, your temporary residence.
