So, I've seen a lot of articles about girls writing to a certain group of guys who treat girls with little thought. There are articles about guys being players and guys who can't seem to be tied down or stay in a relationship. Well, I'm here to say that I am the girl version of that guy. Even though I see myself settling down someday, I can't keep a relationship going for more than a few months.
I am the girl who is in love with falling in love. I am the girl who seeks relationships with guys - whether I intend to or not. I am the girl who believes that any guy I see in a coffee shop or in my church could possibly, maybe, by a long-shot, be my future husband. It is possible. I wouldn't know because God hasn't revealed it to me, so I try to keep my options open. Now, that may sound like I'm a bit of a "player" myself, and that's true. I like to play the field to keep certain doors open. But that's not what I should be doing if I really do want the relationship I say I'm seeking, and if I really do want the husband that God has prepared for me.
In the past, I have caught feelings for guys who are amazing. They have so many of the qualities I look for in guys. They're nice, funny, able to have deep conversations, love Jesus, are respectful and are the whole dream. The problem is that I can build foundations with these guys, but I have no lasting feelings for them. I don't mean for it to be that way. I would have loved to give my whole heart to any of these men. I opened up to them, laughed with them, went on adventures with them, and so many other things. But I couldn't seem to fall in love with them. I led them on, partially because I didn't feel the way they did, and partially because I knew that I never would.
Before you think that I am only seeking a temporary fix because I am lonely or I just want a boyfriend so bad, stop. I am not looking to fulfill my loneliness or my lack of a boyfriend, alone. I do want someone to be with so I'm not all by myself, and I do want a boyfriend, but I want more than that. I want someone who I could see a future with: marriage, kids, pets, all the goods.
The problem with me letting these guys get attached to me, then breaking it off at the climax of their feelings, is that I didn't seek God first in my heart. I tried to pursue Christian relationships with these men, but I hadn't been fulfilled by God in my singleness. I tell myself constantly that I don't need a man, I don't want a boyfriend until God wants me to and I will be patient until I find "the one". But those are kind of lies. I am independent and confident, but I felt like I did need a guy to be content. I wanted a boyfriend now even if it's not God who shows him to me, and I am definitely not patient in waiting for one.
I have very high standards, to the point where people call me a prude because I won't give any of my expectations up. I started to believe that I would never find a boyfriend or husband. Every relationship I got into failed because of me. Because I couldn't see myself with that person. I found these flaws about the other person that were not really flaws at all, but excuses to turn my focus back to searching for a different guy. I pushed the guys away and broke their hearts. I thought to myself and to God, "Why can't I just be happy with someone who could see a lasting future with me? Why can't I just love them like they love me?" I couldn't shake the feeling that I was settling and that I couldn't be with someone who didn't take my breath away every time he looked at me, or sweep me off my feet with every kind gesture. I thought it was wrong of me to think that these guys were someone I would be settling for. It is hurtful to them that I would think that, but not wrong.
I started to read the book "Sacred Singleness" by Leslie Ludy and I was convicted of my actions in relationships and potential relationships. I am only two chapters in the book and it's blowing my mind. Leslie starts off with a relationship she is in with this guy, Kyle. He is the type of guy that all Christian parents want their daughter to be with. He goes to church, doesn't push boundaries, doesn't cuss, smoke or drink, loves God and does all the "good Christian" stuff. But Leslie wrote that she was settling with him. She didn't love him and didn't get the feeling that he was "the one" but just a good one.
She started to seek God's counsel in her relationship with Kyle and her struggles with wanting to date and be married. God told Leslie that she needed to end it with Kyle and come to Him and give up her burdens and worries. He needed her to give up the desire to ever get married. When I read that, I couldn't believe it. I thought, "I could never give that up! I want to be married more than anything (not any time soon, of course)!"
But God spoke to me through Leslie's dedication to give up any search of husband and set her whole focus on God. A few of the women Leslie brought up who had dedicated themselves fully to God with no intention of marrying in the future didn't ever get married. You may be thinking, "Duh, they didn't want a husband." That's where I think you'd be wrong. What girl truly, in the depths of her heart, doesn't want a husband? Even if she knows a husband won't fulfill her or make her content, she still probably wants to be married.
Back to Leslie - she knew what she was getting into, yet, she trusted that God would fill the void of loneliness and self-worth in her life. At this point of the book, I was admiring Leslie's bravery and trust in God. She gave up the biggest wish in life for a life full of the joy and adventure Jesus alone can bring. But God still knew that Leslie wanted a husband. Although God gave her a wonderful and completely satisfying life in Him, He knew her heart when she gave up the hope of ever getting married. She met her (now) husband and, long story short, they got married.
The point of this article is to say that I am the girl version of what girls hate about guys. I have led men on, I have somehow led them to feel certain big feelings for me, I haven't returned those feelings, I have broken hearts, and I have been a tease. I wish I could give them a reason not to have bitter feelings towards me concerning what could have been. And I desperately wish I had come to this realization before their feelings got involved.
That realization is this: I will give up the search for husband altogether. I won't try and get a boyfriend. I won't yearn and long for someone to be my companion. I will give that weight and worry to God with the hope that He will meet and exceed the needs I have in all areas of my life.
Even though I will give up a future of being somebody's wife, I know that I'll be married. For some reason, God has given me a peace and indescribable feeling that I will have a husband someday. Until then, I will make no effort to talk to "cute guys" and I won't picture myself with somebody - whether that is a general thought or about a certain person I interact with.
So, to the girl who can't commit, who can't keep a relationship longer than a few months, who wants to be married so bad but never can seem to get it right, I get it. I understand your frustration, your pain, and your fleeting strength to keep your standards high. There have been countless times where I was tempted to settle for a "good guy" rather than the perfect guy God has planned for me. (Yes, I know nobody is perfect, but the guy I marry will be perfectly designed and thought of for me.)
It is very hard to give up the aspiration of finding a guy and getting married. It has it's own temptations and struggles, but what will get me through is my trust that God is enough. Let me repeat that. GOD. IS. ENOUGH. God will be my joy, my love, my desire, my goal, my strength, my adventure, and my purpose. When I experience all of things in Christ that I seek in the man I marry, then I won't even feel the need for a husband.
But we can do it. We can be patient in this even when the world tells us otherwise. If (and hopefully when) we give it all up to God, He won't spite us by never having us marry. He knows the depths of our hearts. He knows that we want to find our perfect one and once our desires match His, He will give us what we ask humbly and selflessly in His name. Jesus is a good God. He cares for us and loves us infinitely more than we can ever know. He looks out for our good and He is faithful to us if we are faithful to Him.
Marriage must not become an idol for us. Just as people have to give up electronics, self-service or other things leading them away from the Lord, we must give up our idols of love and a romantic life with somebody. When all of our focus and drive is of the Lord, He will grant us so much more than we could have asked for originally. Trusting in God is no easy task, but it is worth it once we bear His fruits.
If we, as women give up this hope of ever having a husband, we cannot also expect it to happen. Maybe God won't ever have us be married, so we have to be okay with that. It's not comfortable and it's not desirable, but Jesus will be much more than we seek (or eventually will find) in a husband. I do feel like I will have a husband one day, but if I am wrong, I won't be bitter towards God for it. He knows what is best for me and if that is being single and acting on His call in my life, so be it. I will praise Him if things don't go according to my plan just like I will praise Him if they do. But we must learn to be okay and content no matter who or what God has planned for us.
Though this vow and promise I am making towards God may never bear the fruits of a marriage, it will bear some other pretty great fruits. I encourage all men and women to really take a look at what their greatest desire is and bring it to God. Seek His counsel in it and He will guide you to the place He wants you to be. Don't give up hope if it's not what you want, but glorify Him.
Your time will come once you give your hopes and dreams to God. He hears you. He knows you. Just be patient and seek Him.
