You probably won't know this is about you. Actually, you'll probably never see this, because I cut you out of my life years ago. But if you did see it, you still wouldn't realize it was about you. I don't really think you understand what you did to me and that's OK. We were both really young and naive. I was so desperate for friendship and a sense of belonging that I would have accepted anything if it meant I finally belonged somewhere.
If I explained how hurt I was by everything you ever said or did to me, you would probably call me dramatic. You would probably yell or scream or try and fight me. That's what you always did when I said something you didn't like.
I was really young when I met you. I was in a new school, I had no friends and I was super shy. But you approached me and we became inseparable. I should've wondered why no one else wanted to be your friend after being in that school for three years already. But I didn't. I was just glad to have a friend. A best friend.
As we became closer, you became meaner. I would cry at least once a day because of something you said. I would cry at school. I would cry at home. Tears became a norm for me. For three years you called me names, broke down my self esteem and made me feel unwanted. You used and manipulated me. You hurt me both physically and emotionally. But I stayed your friend because I needed a friend. And despite all you put me through, you were always there.
Sometimes I wonder why I allowed you to do all of that to me. I wonder if it was partially my fault for staying your friend all those years. And I realize you weren't the first person to abuse me. My mom taught me insults, let downs and manipulation was love. That's what I thought I deserved. So I accepted it from you without question.
For years after our friendship ended, I had to rebuild myself. I had to rebuild my self esteem, my happiness and figure out what a true friend is. It's still hard for me to make real friends and get close to people because of you. But I've grown into a better person because of what happened to me.
You weren't the first abusive person I encountered in life and you certainly weren't the last, but you definitely were someone I didn't expect it from you. People talk about abusive parents and abusive partners, but they rarely talk about abusive friends. They do exist.
We live in a pretty small place, so sometimes I see you on the bus or on in the store. I don't say, "Hello" or acknowledge you, because that would dredge up years of hurt that I'm not ready to confront. Despite all this, I hope you're doing well. I hope you've found happiness and I hope you've changed for the better. And there are no hard feelings.
