You all have to do with the unbecoming of myself. It has been a slow and painful process through the years, the time that I so desperately wish I could get back from you so that I could focus on myself. Time that was expendable to you, but was worth so much to me. It never gets easier for me to put myself out there and meet new people because of all of you, and when I happen to meet a new person who I think is going to finally be the one to change my life, the cycle of what had happened to me before takes its toll.

This cycle with the different boys that come in and out of my life ALWAYS has a way of repeating itself in almost the same exact way. It’s like my romantic life has been scripted out like a movie, and whenever I think the ending is going to be a happy one this time around, it’s always a tragedy instead. I set myself up for this failure that I see coming time and time again, but I always strive to try no matter what.

There's only so much you can take from boys and there's only so much you can give until you realize how truly empty of a person you are without their disappointments filling up your life.

Right now it’s a Saturday afternoon, and I should be doing homework for my classes. I know if I don’t write down every single thing I feel about this topic right now, all the other work I try to do for school won’t have any quality to it. It might seem childish for me to expose my feelings about other people on a public platform, but it will all be okay.

I like to keep people’s names anonymous in my writings so that maybe one day if one of you actually do read this, you’ll go about wondering if there was a chance one of the people who have affected me so catastrophically was you. But the chances that any of you reading my articles are very slim because you never seemed to care about me that much, even when I was a part of your life.

Now some of the people who like to read my articles and think that they know me pretty well are probably confused as to why I have taken the liberty to write about a topic so unrelated to me. You’re probably thinking, “she’s never even been in a relationship with anyone so how can she even be heartbroken over any guy?” Well, that’s too far from the truth.

Being heartbroken after a break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend can be mind-boggling, but at least that person wanted to take that step of being in a relationship with you. At least they made an effort to make you feel loved in one way or another and chose to be with you. When you’re the girl on the outside who never made it to that step of being with someone because they didn’t think you were worth it, now that’s devastating. World crushing. It takes everything out of you when you give up so much of your time for someone else only for them not to reciprocate and just leave you in the shadow of darkness in the corner.

And if you’re like me, and you foolishly want to turn around from the corner in chances of seeing the light again, you are disappointed every single time. When you do turn around there is no light, and there never was in the first place when it came to you, and most importantly, you’re not even there anymore either.

I always felt like something was missing in my life. I go about my days sometimes with this gaping hole of nothingness in my chest that I try to fill up with the lives of people around me. I watch movies and read books because I feel so lost sometimes, and they usually give me answers about the life I’m supposed to be living, or rather the one I want to be living.

Maybe that’s why I try to set my expectations so high all the time. There’s nothing wrong with having a certain set of expectations, as long as you feel like they are personally attainable to you. But when it comes to boys, I always let my guard down because sometimes I’m just sick of feeling lonely all of the time and I need change in my life. It’s just so hard to be a functioning human, and I don’t know why I always try to rely on interactions with others to make me feel alive again.

I know sometimes I put on a front and fake how I really feel so people will stop asking me if I’m okay and will leave me alone. I just need you all to know that you hurt me each in your very own way and I’m sick of pretending like it was okay that you hurt me, because it’s really not. I know that a put together person is supposed to take all of that hurt they’ve experienced in the past and put it to good use, maybe even bounce back stronger, but I’m not one of those people.

I’m just below empty at this point. I used to use all of my energy up that I had left on you to make you laugh and put a smile on your face, all while I was destroying myself without noticing it. I would sometimes even act dumb or fake laugh at your jokes just to get you to like me but on the inside, those interactions never felt right. The thing that would sometimes get me out of bed in the morning was the thought that I might get to see you and talk to you only if it was just for a little bit.

I know that’s pathetic and I shouldn’t base my happiness on these small interactions with other people, but honestly, it really doesn’t take that much to make me happy. I let so many boys use me without even realizing it because I was so caught up in the thought that someone actually noticed me for once.

The one time I asked someone really close to me if there was a way to get someone you liked to like you back. They said to me, “You gotta do things that stand out and go out of your way to do nice things for them. That’s how you get them to notice you out of all the other people.” At the time in my young teenage life, this seemed like wonderful advice. All I’d have to do was be kind and do kind things and then the person I liked would like me back! Well that was the planned that I stuck to for the past 4 years or so, and the results were far from expected.

Through the course of those years, I made you all laugh, I bought you thoughtful things, I gave you countless homework assignments and helped you with tests, I listened to your problems, and most importantly I was there for you. I sat right there with you through all of these times, I was the answer to your problems, I was the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you. I was a collection of all of the things you possibly could ever want in your life all wrapped up with a bow on top, but you never once looked my way, let alone opened me up and let me into your life.

I would’ve practically given up the whole world for every single one of the boys that I thought I liked, but I’m so glad I didn’t because it just so happens we were living in two completely different and misconstrued worlds all along.

I am right here waiting for you all, still living in this state of denial that we could’ve been something fantastic together, but one day I’ll come to my senses, and pick myself up higher than I’ve ever been before. In that time, I’ll finally be able to leave behind all of the pain that has accumulated in my heart over the years from all of you, forever. And maybe, just maybe, one day you’ll all come to your senses too and realize that the best thing that could’ve ever happened to you was right under your nose all along.

But by then I’ll be long gone, hopefully onto better people and better things and you all will finally experience a little of what I had to go through by myself for so long. I used to believe that everything would fall together in the right place and at the right time, but maybe there isn’t much truth in that saying after all. I guess the only way I’ll know though is if I keep trying. I can never stop trying to put myself out there no matter what kind of pain I must endure along the way. Because the day I stop trying to look for someone who likes me for all of me, good and bad, the day I cave in and lower my standards, is the day that I let all of the boys I thought I liked win, once and for all.