I started to write something tonight, something with vigor and dignity, something strong and powerful and full of big words that make me sound intellectual. I started to form some creative piece filled with my self righteous opinions that I know I'm way too full of for being only 19 years old. I started to act like I had discovered some profound idea that only I could tell it in the perfect and only way possible. So I sat down, ready to write, ready to unleash my views to the public sphere. Then I stopped, and I realized how tired I really am.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of habitual routines that make me want to scream because it's the same thing day in and day out, every week a repetitive cycle of the next seven days over and over again. I'm tired of the dreadful feeling of wondering what I am going to eat for my next meal, but I can't go out because that money is for rent and school, but I'm getting really sick of sandwiches and ramen. I'm tired of that anxious feeling that grips my stomach in an iron fist every time I submit anything hat could affect my GPA in some shape or form. I'm tired of seeing the people I went to high school with, except now we avoid eye contact as if we were to truly lock sights we would be transported to some horrifying event. I'm tired of acting like it's fine that I look like utter garbage anytime I'm headed to school because in all honesty no girl can say she feels pretty in a t-shirt that almost touches her knees and Nike shorts that no one really even knows exist.

I'm tired of getting riled about the same things because apparently learning something every once in awhile is just a concept some people refuse to embrace. I'm tired of trying to hold myself together, to keep my life in line when really I'm an utter mess and there feels as if there is just no fixing it this time. I'm tired of feeling like an empty coffee mug you forgot you drank all gone, and you keep reaching for it only remember there's nothing left.

But it happens.

We get set in our ways and we forget about the adventures we promised ourselves we would one day experience, and we forget that living on the edge a little, avoiding "the norm" for a day is perfectly fine. They say in college you find yourself, that you discover who you are and who you are becoming. I don't think that's right. I think in college you lose yourself, completely. The you that you were two, three, four years ago is a foreigner in a shell that kind of resembles you. I think that you transform into someone utterly different, for the best and for the worst in some cases. I don't think it becomes a matter of "finding" yourself. I think it becomes a matter of putting yourself back together and possibly missing some pieces along the way.

I started to write something ground breaking tonight, something illuminated with a just cause in mind. I started to write something that I'm not really sure I even truly cared about. I started to write tonight, just to write because I had another article due, just like I will seven days from now. I started to write, but then I stopped and asked myself if this is what I wanted to do, right now in this moment.

I'm tired. I will be tired tomorrow. I think I will be tired for some time, but I can push through the tired. Push until I finally reassemble myself and find out which pieces I left behind and which ones I've gained. I'm tired, but I know the sun will still kiss my skin anytime it greets me, and that is something to stay awake for.