Anyone who knows me knows that I’m a habitual apologizer. I say sorry for almost everything that I do in hopes that whoever I’m speaking to won’t get mad at me. It’s gotten progressively worse over the last few years as I’ve become increasingly less confident in the person I am. Deep down I know that anyone worth caring about will be OK with my outbursts of weirdness and incessant ramblings, but trusting people to accept you is harder than it sounds.
"Liking yourself" and "being confident in yourself" are two very different things. I love to be alone. I blast music in my car, I binge watch TV shows into the early hours of the morning, and I laugh at my own jokes. But just because I’m comfortable with myself doesn’t mean that I’m comfortable around other people. Sometimes, I don’t think that I’m good enough for them and I think it’s only a matter of time before they realize it for themselves. To prevent this, I apologize so maybe if they know that I’m self-aware, they’ll stay around just a little bit longer. It sounds like a sad way to live, but it’s more cautious than anything else. But lately, people I care about have been getting offended by it. They consider it an insult that I think they’re annoyed by me. What kind of friend would get mad at another friend for being themselves? So, I guess it’s time for me to make a change.
Today is my 20th birthday. If there’s one thing people should know about me it is that I’m stupidly symbolic. My favorite flowers are white roses because they stand for new beginnings and I like to take every opportunity to start over. New Years is particularly nice for that, because everyone gets to put the past year behind them. Birthdays offer the same, but it somehow feels different. Maybe that’s because birthdays are usually in the middle of the year. But this one is a milestone birthday. It’s New Years on steroids and a bouquet of white roses wrapped into one because it is the start of a new decade.
I don’t know who I am yet. I don’t think anyone ever fully knows. But I like where I’m headed, and it’s about time that I consider that to be enough. Enough not only for myself but for everyone that I meet. I’m tired of saying sorry.
Nobody has the right to make you feel like who you are isn’t good enough. Not everyone is going to like you, but that doesn’t mean that you’re any less of a person or any less deserving of anyone’s kindness. The people who want you in their lives will make it known. Give yourself a chance, and don’t wait for others to give you permission to be yourself. This is how we find out who we are. Make it count.
