Depression is like a shadow that follows you where ever you go. It stalks you, it whispers unwanted things in your ears, and lures you into a dark place where it seems impossible to escape from. Everyone experiences sadness, but depression is different. Sometimes you lose interest in the things you love. Sometimes you lay in bed for a long time, wondering if you want to get up. Sometimes you lose your temper and feel like you've lost control of yourself. Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and struggle to get back to sleep. Worse of all, sometimes you feel hopeless and don't know what to do.
I sometimes feel bad about calling or messaging someone first because I'm afraid of bothering them or being too needy. I've been told I've been clingy too many times in the past, and I cause unhealthy relationships, but I never meant to act that way. I've lost friends due to mistakes I’ve made and I’m afraid of making those mistakes again. My parents tell me that family is more important than friendships, and I agree, I'm thankful that I have a very loving and supporting family, but I should have a social life too, right? I tried to get as involved as I could back in college. I was in a bunch of clubs and I was a teacher’s assistant during a semester.
However, I still feel like I should’ve done more, met more people, done more activities, something so no one thought I was the weird quiet girl. I dunno, I’ve had my ups and downs in college and the negatives keep coming back to me instead of the positives. I know I need to stop thinking about the past and move on, but it’s not easy. I’ve hurt people in the past that I cared about and don’t want them to think I’m a bad person. I’m not. I want them to know that I’m sorry and I wished we could’ve sat down, talked and move on.
I'm happy for the friends I still have, and for my family that's always there to support me. However, I still get episodes where I break down or lose my temper. My emotions get the best of me and I struggle to control them. I go to therapy and do activities such as reading and painting to calm my nerves. What I like to do the most is to write. I'm currently working on a book series and I hope for it to become successful one day.
The thought of being successful and having support from my friends and family is what keeps me going. Still, the shadow looms close behind, but I strive everyday to overcome it, even though it's difficult.
