Back in junior high, there was an inside joke among my group of friends which depicted me as "Derek The Robot," the one with the stone face and no emotions. I knew they meant no harm and I actually agreed with them. 90 percent of the time you would see me with a face that looked like I was going choke someone (if anyone has been intimidated by my face, I'm sorry!). In reality, I was actually just really tired. It's not like I can maintain a bright, smile constantly (I don't think anyone can) but maybe it's just in my nature because there isn't really much to be amused about at school. My resting face isn't going to be what I'm talking about, but it partially plays a role in why I was "Derek The Robot."
My lack of sympathy.
I am not the most sympathetic person you will meet. In fact, I have rarely been in situations where I am the one offering advice or support to someone, therefore I can’t take a hint and read the mood. However, to compensate for my lack of consideration, there is a 100 percent assurance of making sure that any of my friends who is feeling down will have a shoulder to cry on.
I have had my ups and downs but none of it has been signs of depression. That was until freshman year of high school where the contrast between me in eighth-grade and ninth-grade is a clear dichotomy. Between highs of joy and the feeling of inferiority is a difficult feeling to juggle and ultimately caused intense self-loathing within me. Fortunately enough, I am surrounded by incredible people from my family and friends that have been there for me.
Many can relate that it can be difficult to know what to do when you’re on the receiving end of a person who is dealing with any form of sadness. Questions in your mind pop up such as ‘What if I say something wrong?’ or ‘Should I tell them about that one Wikihow tutorial about how to cure sadness?’ Firstly, I really hope you didn’t consider consulting Wikihow about this. Secondly, all the support you offer stems from yourself but here are points to consider that I learned over time.
1. Listen first, ask questions later
Every situation can vary but the key to helping is listening first and then offer advice. Everyone deserves to have their concerns be heard and have a considerate friend listen.
After dealing with several situations of mood swings, I think I have a grasp on how to handle it myself but that was the case for me. The thought of getting help from anyone was uncomfortable. I cannot stress how much you should not solve their problem but instead listen to it. Instead of taking the initiative, slow down, and hear the person out. To talk to a friend about it might come off as something uncomfortable for them so have them take their time so don’t pry too deep or push. Sometimes, the person may not even know why they’re sad. Just sitting there sounds like you’re just idly listening and not solving their problem but I assure you, having someone who is there for you and will listen to your problems can make a world of difference.
2. Be there for them
The feeling of burdening someone is awful, but knowing that you are burdening someone’s time and life with your sadness is even worse. Perhaps that is why I didn’t consult anyone about my depression. I mean, if I am not in the mood to hang out with my friends, why would I join and be the stick in the mud? I can’t say from personal experience because I am a really good liar when it comes to hiding my emotions, but you definitely will know something is up. You love them and when they’re hurt, it hurts you too watching them be sad. By being there for them, they feel less alone with their thoughts and the more they stop thinking about those thoughts, the better. Never EVER leave them. The feeling of abandonment will only grow their depression to the extremes because they might think it was their fault you gave up on them. Even if they suck the living life out of you, stick with them ‘til the very end.
3. Sometimes, being a little too optimistic won’t work
Of course, being a positive force to the friend is important but make sure to maintain that in moderation. For example, screaming “TODAY IS A GOOD DAY, SUN IS BEAUTIFUL, LET'S GO OUT!” will probably put them in an even worse mood. Also, you’re being loud. That will be obnoxious. Have some sensitivity and be conscious of their mood. Try not to fake the optimism either. No, the day isn’t that beautiful. It looks the same (especially here in Washington). It sounds annoying and cliché of you to do that. Act natural and be realistic.
4. Let them know you love them
In a world where depression is rising among us, there is only so much we can do to help someone in need. However, this is the most important step someone can take. Depression can take many shapes and forms but above all else, it is life threatening. Even if you ignore what I write above, please let them know that they have you and you have them. Voice it. Be patient. Be caring. Hug them every day. Bring them food (especially homemade, I don’t care if it tastes bad, it’s the thought that counts). Understand that they are incapable of loving themselves and as a friend, you are obligated to bring them warmth and love them like my love for Ellenos Real Greek Yogurt down at Pike Place Market.
Translation: Love the heck out of them.
To those who still think I'm an unsympathetic robot, I'm not. I'm human. I feel because I have been in the same boat as those who have faced the struggle of depression. I may not express myself often and stay quiet because of my introversion, but the fact that I am writing this now is the very reason why I'm human.
To everyone who has supported me through my depression. I am absolutely grateful for sticking with me. But there's still more to do because we can always be better.
And finally to my readers, I leave you to make someone smile today. No one deserves to have their day dampened.
"I think one thing is that anybody who's had to contend with mental illness - whether it's depression, bipolar illness or severe anxiety, whatever - actually has a fair amount of resilience in the sense that they've had to deal with suffering already, personal suffering." - Kay Redfield Jamison.
