Ah! It’s that time of year again! If you live in Florida, this means absolutely nothing to you when you’re basking on beaches in the 80s, but as for us Chicagoans, we’re freezing to death in 30 minutes with that -20 ºF with windchill. We’ve got snow snow and more snow, so I’ve taken it upon myself to compile a list of random things that may or may not keep you warm this winter. Forewarning (or should I say, forewarming?) they get more irrelevant as you read.

1. These Dance Warm Up Booties

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I’m unsure why they are so expensive, but they come in a variety of colors.

2. The Knit Dickey

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It’s not as suitable as an actual turtleneck, but it’s a hell of a lot cheaper.

3. The Pajamas Warming Pouch

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Well, based on the reviews, there are no cons to be had about this contraption. An alternative: throw your pajamas in the dryer for a couple minutes and consider it the same effect.

4. The LightMate

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I’m pretty sure this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen, but for those of you without a cuddle buddy this cold winter, you might find it the best. Can’t get you a man? Get you a pillow like dat.

5. Smoking Mittens

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Tryna stay warm? Need a smoke? Get you mittens that can do both.

6. The Dachshund Door Draft Stopper

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Cute and effective.

7. Beard Hat/Beanie

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This 100% looks like an Ood from Doctor Who. Not a Whovian? Here’s a picture for reference.

8. The movie Warm Bodies

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Watch it while cuddling up to your LightMate for a true warm body experience.

9. The book Warm Bodies

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Are you someone who prefers to read rather than watch? Same situation as #8 just with the book.

10. The Winter of Our Discontent

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Looking for a book but more a classic that is vaguely and not at all related to staying warm this winter? Check out this Steinbeck classic.

11. Cap Ear Band

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Want to wear your baseball cap all year round but afraid that your ears will freeze off in winter? Here’s the solution.

12. “I am freaking cold” Long Sleeve

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It’s the more subtle way to let everyone know because no one wants to hear it when we all feel the exact same.

13. Indoor Snowball Fight

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When the windchill can literally kill you, this is a great alternative to keep the winter fun alive.

14. Miike Snow’s album

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May or may not prove helpful this winter.

15. Hawaiian Shaved Ice and Snow Cone Machine

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Probably not what you need, BUT it’s a bestseller and it’s not that bad of a price.