My family likes to travel. We don't spend money on a lot of things that other people do, so we can travel to interesting places. We don't have cable or air conditioning. We barely ever use our central heat and heat with a wood stove instead. The kids in our family get jobs so they can pay for their own phone data plans as soon as they can, and we almost never go out to eat. On the other hand, we've driven across the country twice, the first time when all of us kids were under 13. (The number of times we listened to Sandra Boynton's Blue Moo on that trip is astounding. I still know the words to many of the songs, Neil Sedaka's vocals in Your Nose being a standout hit.) We often go somewhere during the summer, simply because we save up and plan for the entire year in advance. In general, the trips we take are conducted in cars, because the air fare for five people could make a nun swear. Each time there's at least one disaster, which is always overcome and remembered so we can avoid it next time. I'll share a few things never to do on a road trip with you here, to spare you the agony.

First and foremost, never bring bananas in a cooler. This is something we learned after the first big trip we did across America, from New York to Arizona and back with plenty of stops along the way. Bananas have a little-known compound in them called Smellium (Sm for all you scientist types) that causes literally everything they come in contact with for more than two minutes to smell, taste, and to some extent feel like a banana. We had granola bars, juice boxes, lots of nuts and crackers, some bread; all fell to the power of the three bananas we had in the cooler. After a certain number of cheese sandwiches that were positively redolent of the nefarious fruit, I believe we threw away the contents of the cooler. There's really only so much one can take.

Secondly, you have to plan considerably far ahead in order to achieve a road trip that doesn't cause headaches en masse, bladder distention, and copious amounts of complaining. There's only so far that phones can get you, especially when you're driving through the Land That Cell Towers Forgot, otherwise known as the majority of the Midwest. I may be exaggerating slightly, but I'm reasonably sure that there are at least 500,000 miles of corn somewhere in the vicinity of Iowa, all of which includes maybe 20 square feet of cell phone service. If you're in need of a bathroom and you haven't spotted an exit off the endless highway, don't rely on anything but sheer will and bravery to get you where you need to go.

Thirdly, always bring a foldable cot of some kind if your family is more than four people. When booking hotel rooms on the road for only one night, you usually only need one room, unless you consist of eight people who all need their own bed. In a normal hotel room, there are two beds, both of which can sleep two people (barring sisters who refuse point blank to sleep in the same bed as an assumedly cootie-covered brother). If you have one or two extra people you can ask for a foldable cot from the front desk of most hotels, and sometimes you even get it. Most of the time however, you ask for it in your reservation, get into the room after a long day of alternately driving and telling people in the back to stop fighting, and realize that someone doesn't have a bed. In one instance of this happening to us, one of my parents called down to the front desk as usual to re-request a cot, and they said, "What?"

"We asked for a cot in our reservation online, and we're hoping someone can bring it up soon because we need it for tonight."

"Oh, we don't offer cots here."

If I haven't totally put you off going on a road trip by now, I should include that they are usually quite fun. The sights you see are wonderful, and not even just after Instagram'd filters. The people are usually wonderful in Arizona, Utah, and Colorado. The experience always lends something to the way you view the world going forward, and almost always it just leaves you wanting more. If it doesn't, well, what did I tell you about bringing bananas?