A few months ago, a friend of mine talked me into making a Tinder just to give it a try. I was skeptical, like do I really need a dating app in my life? I’m only nineteen, for all I know I could meet Mr. Right tomorrow while at work, helping him pick out new shoes for a family wedding or something.

That could totally happen, right?

After some thought, I downloaded the app and did it solely as a joke, lasted a few days and quit. Went on with my life as usual. A couple weeks went by and I felt guilty for not giving it a fair chance, so I redownloaded it and I’ve been hooked ever since.

So let's be real here: people do indeed use Tinder for "hookups" but it can also be used for so much more than that. I didn't think much of it when I started, didn't know who was out there and didn't know what to expect. I never looked at this app as a way of “hooking up” with someone at all. I like to give everyone I match with a fair chance, if we hit it off, there is something worth seeking but if not, friendships are always great to have. I, of course, had hopes that I would get lucky just like a lot of my friends had and in some ways I did.

One of the first guys I started talking to on Tinder, I connected with super instantly. To my surprise, he lived close by and it made it easy for us to see each other. We shared this love for the country of Japan and I found it so neat that he was so into it as I was. (Pretty sure it helped me a lot being able to say I had lived there for a couple years of my life.)

I had gotten off work early one day and out of the blue, he asked if I wanted to go get food with him. I had set plans with my best friend, but she told me to go and ironically, my mom and I had a conversation earlier in the day where she had said to me, “Sometimes you just have to take chances.... I can't have you living in my basement forever.”

So I did, I got ready in a pretty black maxi dress, paired it with a nice jean jacket and waited for him. He knocked on the door and we went to the car. (I am the type to look at everything and just make mental notes, so I did that a lot.) I had a gut feeling to begin with that I should be careful, but I wasn't quite sure why. I opened my own car door and blamed nerves on the awkwardness between us because first dates are supposed to be like that right? Awkward?

All of mine have been that way, at least.

As a conversation starter, he asked me if I had ever thought of how I’d kill someone. The mood was so serious and he looked it too. I let out an uncomfortable laugh and the air was easier to breathe. I could tell it was a joke. But what a way to start a conversation. Thankfully, talking wasn't hard for the either of us the rest of the way.

We drove to this very nice Japanese ramen restaurant and I liked that. It was loud enough for us to observe other people and we could talk and not feel pressured to do so. That is so important for first dates, they shouldn't feel forced. He had a lot of humor to him, I like humor but I could see in person we didn't mesh well and that sucked, but I still forced myself to act like everything was okay.

After food, we walked a little to this cute international store, both of us pointing out our favorite things in the store and talking more and more. I started to really like him in this moment, even with us not clicking completely. We went back to the car and while driving home, we took all the back roads, and he would sing the songs on the radio and it was the cutest thing.

He talked a lot about themselves and it bummed me because you should want to get to know more about the person you're with, not all about one person. I felt he wasn't interested in me at all. When he had arrived at my house, I wish he would have walked me to the door rather than saying “see ya later” but that wasn't the case. I didn't even realize the time we spent together because it felt a lot longer than it was.

Our date lasted about an hour and a half. I thought, "wow this could really work and things will iron themselves out." I hoped at least.

Thinking about it now, I laugh because I saw signs that proved this wasn't gonna work, but I didn't want to believe that. Conversation became quite minimal the next couple days, he decided that we should be friends, and I couldn't be upset because when I started this, I wasn't expecting a relationship, hopeful though.

I was though, I was very hurt and not sure what it was that I had done. But understanding, because not always do things work out.

The second guy I started talking to caught me off guard but in a good way. When I swiped right, I didn't expect to get it back. He was very attractive, down-to-earth, intelligent, considerate, and he wasn't boring. I like it when a guy can start a conversation with something other than just “Hey” or other basic starters like that. Be creative. He definitely was.I was still super hurt over the fallout of my previous experience but had good feelings about him. He wanted to know more about me and he made me feel important. After a couple days of talking through the app, we moved to texting about any and everything and you could tell there were mutual feelings. One night he had asked if we could talk on the phone, I was nervous to say yes, mainly because I feared I’d be too awkward and mess things up, but he made it easy to talk to him and be me. This became a thing every night, I like it. I liked his voice, it was calming and made me happy. I liked him. He was different. I was excited. It started to feel too good to be true a couple weeks later, and typically when it feels that way, it is. The texts became less and less, and I could feel everything slipping away. I didn't say anything but I felt it. It pained me. I was out with my best friend one night, and I sent a long text explaining all my fears, of which my gut was telling me were coming, and how he did like me and was still interested in me. I cried after reading it, but he doesn't know that. A girl from his past showed up, whom of which he really liked, I refused to make him choose and wanted things to be natural. I was confused as to where his feelings were for me. I didn't understand how a random girl could come and rip him out from under me, but it happened. It was horrible. Was it something I had said? Did we just not click anymore? Was it because I tried to wait before going on a date, instead of just jumping right in like last time? Sadly, our conversations grew awkward, the phone calls stopped, and the texts eventually stopped too. He said he needed time to be happy again, this girl left like she had before and that hurt him. It hurt me. I wanted to be that girl to make him feel better, but I knew I couldn't. We agreed to be friends until things were worked out. My overthinking mind took that two ways; either he does still like me and is trying or this was his way of telling me to move on. Regardless, he deserves to be happy and so do I.

These experiences may not be what my friends have, but I’m lucky to be able to feel again and I’m proud of myself for getting back out there.