"Our generation works hard in things like school, sports, work, art, community service. Yet, we take it easy on something immensely important — dating. How can people use an app whose slogan simply reads, 'Swipe. Match. Chat.' to find their life partners?" said Hannah.

"It's not that big of deal.”

"Gary, do you actually believe we can just swipe left on an app and find the one who fits our needs?"

"Maybe... you never know what could come of it. Plus, it's fun."

"What do you mean, it's fun? Are you using Tinder?"

"Sometimes I use it, and yes, the app can be fun, especially meeting new people."

"People? You're seeing multiple people at the same time."

"Don’t worry, I only went out with three people last week. I even think I love one of them, but I'm still going to give each of them another try."

"You’ve got to be kidding, Gary! Are you listening to yourself? That is not okay. What do you even mean by giving them another try? Also, there is no way you love a girl after one date. Delete it now!"

"Ugh," I thought. Hannah is annoying. Why is she like this? "Well, it's late, so I think I'm gonna head back to my dorm."

"Please take care, Gary."

Should I consider what Hannah said? Nah, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Oh, a notification that someone super swiped me! Her name is Courtney. She’s 21. She's hot. This might be my best shot I’ll ever get at finding a quality life partner or whatever Hannah called it.

I will start off with my usual opening question.

“So, if you were about to be marooned on a Caribbean island and could only bring three things, what would you bring?”

Can someone so beautiful be smart too?

“Corn on the cob, a fresh coconut, and the Bible,” Courtney said.

What! Why? Does she even care about survival or having fun or know that the island will have coconuts already? Ugh. She is still beautiful, and I am still trying to impress her.

“Those are some great choices, Courtney!”

“What would you bring?” she replied.

Let’s see, how does one flirt and show competence at the same time. I have an idea.

“I would bring a reliable knife, a fire starter, and maybe some company ;)”

Wait, maybe I should not have sent that. Ugh, fingers crossed!

“Hmm, should I thank you for choosing me or be mad at you for marooning me too?” ;)

Phew, hopefully, she’s thankful. At least she sent a winky face. That means I’m getting somewhere.

“Lol idk you might have a lot of fun, and with our combined efforts it might be easier to survive,” I said.

She followed up.

“If we’re going to be living on this island together, first tell me what sorts of things you would like to do for fun, and second tell me your three best and worst traits, so I know how to cater to you/our needs.”

Sweet Jesus, why does she want to know so much about me. What does she need to know? My workplace is an ice cream shop, video games are my hobby, and binge-watching Netflix in my free time comes naturally. She doesn’t want to hear that. How honest do I need to be with her? I need to come up with something good.

Ugh, it’s been ten minutes, and no response on my part. How rude of me! Think fast, Gary. OK, acting like a he-man is attractive, and now to cater to her wants too. What do girls want? They want to go shopping and make out. The second option sounds better. Adding that. Here goes nothing!

“Let’s see… so for fun I like exploring, hiking, and making out ;) and for traits I guess I’m sociable, brave, and I have a good amount of survival knowledge; worst traits I would say I’m afraid of heights, I wear contacts so my vision sucks, and I guess I procrastinate a lot.”

Will she like me? Was I too honest with my worst traits?

“Thank you for sharing about yourself, Gary, you sound like an interesting guy! Would you care to meet tomorrow night? Perhaps Mitch’s Tavern at 9:00 p.m.?”

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! It worked. Genius, I'm a pure genius. Keep your cool, Gary. Seal the deal.

“Sounds fun! I will see you there. You seem fun, Courtney, and I look forward to meeting you.”

“Awesome, thanks, and I too look forward to it too! Goodnight, Gary.”

She said goodnight. Wow, that's big for a Tinder chat, and from such a hot girl too. I’m a new man and feeling confident. Time to compliment her, since we're pretty much dating.

“Goodnight, beautiful,” I said as I drifted off to sleep in my bed, dreaming about Courtney.

The following morning, I decided to wake up early so I could start working out in case Courtney finds that attractive. "It’s gym time, baby,” I said, trying to think positively. I loathe physical exertion, however, and I barely passed gym class in high school. Why can't I be naturally slim and muscular?

I made a new year’s resolution to go to the gym at least three times a week. I took January off, so it helps that I have a date to motivate me for February. Also, I wonder how one day of working out will change my appearance. I guess I will hop in the car and find out soon.

“Here we are, ladies and gentleman,” I said as I pulled up at the John Cena Gym. He was my favorite wrestler, so when I found this place named after him online, I decided it was destiny. Yet, the bleak grey, rectangular building looks like a giant tombstone, so I’m a little bummed.

I walk in the door and see no weights or machines anywhere. There are plenty of tires, ropes, buckets of dried cement, and wheelbarrows though.

“Is this place under construction,” I said.

“No, this is Cross-Fit,” mumbled a ripped dwarf who looked more wide than tall.

Well, I need to get good looking for Courtney, so I joined them in rolling tires around and picking up the cement buckets. Don't people get paid to do this downtown? One guy kept watching me too. I felt violated, but I finished the routine because I feared what would happen if the dwarf saw me leave.

I went home and showered, still weirded out by my workout experience − the bland building, the odd routine, the guy who kept staring at me, and the mean dwarf. At least I have a date to look forward to. Plus, the girl in the picture looked hot.

The usually monotonous hours seemed to fly by as my anticipation built. It was now time to head to Mitch’s where I would find the cute girl I was messaging. Hopefully, this will pan out, and I can tell my mom I am capable of finding a wife.

I change into my business casual clothes because, apparently, those make you attractive. I am driving to Mitch’s and this night is going to be great.

As I pull into a parking spot, right in front of the diner, I see a rainbow array of LED lights shining all over like beautiful stars.

I get out of my car, trembling and excited. I trip a little on the curb to the sidewalk.

“Gary, over here,” said someone in the alley to the right

I think its Courtney. She knows I like to make out. Maybe she wants some sugar beforehand.

I walk over. A large man suddenly wraps me in his arms and presses his lips upon mine.

“I am Courtney,” he said with longing eyes and a hint of barbecue sauce on his breath as he pulled his head back from mine.

Aah! Instantly, I break his grasp and sprint away, burning twice as many calories as I did this morning.

“I am deleting Tinder forever,” I whisper fiercely to myself over and over as I get back into my car and think about the weird guy from Cross-Fit who stared at me earlier and just now kissed me.

I guess I’ll tell Hannah in class on Monday that I followed her advice, maybe not why though. That's on a need-to-know basis. Perhaps, I should invite her to Mitch’s Tavern next week. After all, we have been friends for the longest time and, as I realized firsthand, one never knows what might come of something.