Dating apps are fun. If your purpose is nothing too serious, then you could be in luck. If you are looking for a more long-term, committed relationship then I would look elsewhere. After almost a year and a half off the market, I recently downloaded Tinder, Bumble, and Coffee Meets Bagel. While the first two are perfect for more casual non-committed meet-ups, the last one leans more towards serious relationships — so I’m going to ignore that for now, and focus on the former two.

I don’t want to brag, but I am an expert at short-term dating when it comes to dating apps, especially Tinder. If you’re looking for some tips, I’d love to share my train of thought while swiping your way to love, so maybe you can pick up a few tricks to use yourself.

1. “Ah, time to go to the bathroom…drop the kids off at the pool, take the Browns to the Super Bowl, if you know what I mean. What better time than a bathroom break to score a date, right?”
2. “Alright, let’s see what’s going on with Tinder.”
3. “Hello ladies! Okay, this one’s pretty cute. She’s tall, nice body, beautiful smile, I can go for this.”
4. “Oh, wait, no. That’s her friend, this girl is the one with the crazy eyes. Left swipe for sure.”
5. “Next up. Alright she’s pretty cute, let’s check out her bio and — dammit she’s a Republican.”
6. “Well, let’s be practical. Look at the pros and cons.”
7. “Pros: She’s beautiful. Cons: She's a Republican, has like 20 mutual friends with me and every guy in her profile pictures is a thousand times more handsome than me.”
8. “Screw it, right swiiiipe.”
9. “Woah, this girl is showing a lot of cleavage. Like, in all her pictures. Right swipe.”
10. “Hmm. Haven’t had a match in awhile. I gotta get back in the groove.”
11. “I’ll right swipe everyone to get as many matches as possible.”
12. “Right Swipe City, here I come!”
13. “I hope these girls aren’t freaks, I can’t even see who I’m swiping right on. It’s just a blur.”
14. “Ha, hope I don’t swipe right on anyone I know.”
15. “Crap. Out of swipes.”
16. “The results are in aaaand.. not a single match. How? I’ve been doing this for at least a week straight now.”
17. “I’m not good at math, but like this should be statistically impossible, right?”
18. “Lemme look at my profile, do I need to change my photos?”
19. “I don’t know… I look pretty good. A girl would have to be insane to not right swipe this handsome devil.”
20. “OH HELL YES I GOT A MATCH”
21. “Hey girl, let’s check you out. Cool, she’s 19 and going to UGA next year. Looks pretty cute.”
22. “Ooh she messaged me, she’s forward. And she’s got good taste. Obviously.”
23. “Wait, why is she saying she’ll text me when she’s out of school? Colleges is out for summer already.”
24. “Maybe I should check her bio again.”
25. “No. NO! NO! NO!”
26. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO”
27. “WHY DOES HER BIO SAY ‘actually 17, but age doesn’t matter ;)’? CHILD. YOUR BIO SAYS ‘looking for my Mr. Right’ YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR JESUS.”
28. “Unmatch.”
29. “Ok, now what?”
30. “Next stop, Right Swipe City”