I've never been on a Tinder date, but I hear my friends talk about it all the time so I'm qualified to give advice on the topic. Follow the simple steps I've outlined below, and you're sure to have a great time!

1. Make a Tinder account.

You can ask God to send Tinder directly to your phone, or you could download it from the app store supported by your device. If you don’t have a smartphone, I don’t know what to do with you. I guess you could see if Tinder has a browser-based service. If it doesn’t, you’re stuck with OkCupid, you Neanderthal.

2. Fill out your profile.

Look at the profiles of singles in your area to get a sense of just how inadequate you are.

The goal of your Tinder profile is to convey that you are a bright young gal/fella, perfectly demonstrative of traditional gender roles. Dudeskis, it’s a great idea to have a gun in your profile picture; it makes women feel like they’ll be safe and protected. Ladies, make sure you wear makeup, but not too much makeup. Show some cleavage, but not too much cleavage. Smile, but make it a nice smile, not a hooker smile.

3. Swipe right if you like someone. Swipe left if you don’t like someone.

If you can’t find anyone you like, it’s time to lower your standards. A good way to do this is to drink a lot of alcohol.

4. Go bowling for the first date.

Bowling shoes are universally flattering accessories! Unfortunately, Congress passed a law in 1934 that forbids you from wearing bowling shoes outside of a bowling alley. That means this is the only opportunity for your date to see how fly you look in them.

5. Tell them exactly how many children you want, but in an indirect way so you don’t sound creepy.

Here’s some suggestions:

“I have three dogs, and I want twice as many kids as that!”

“I have six decorative pillows on my bed, but I only want a third as many children as that.”

“I want to name my children after my grandpas Albert and Aloysius, so I need two sons.”

“My video games occupy so much of my time. I just can’t see sacrificing any of that time to children.”

6. Men: make sure your lady friend knows you’re dominant. Women: make sure your gentleman caller knows you’re submissive.

Oh, thank you kindly for the opportunity to sweep your grungy bachelor pad!

Sorry to break into gender stereotypes again, but it is so important that you fit the mold! Men, make sure you pay for the date. If another man eyes your date, drag your knuckles on the ground and beat your chest in a dominance display. This is a great time to inflate your tree frog-like vocal sac, if you have one. If either of those fail, fan your peacock tail and corner your comparatively fugly peahen of a date in a secluded corner, ignoring her shrieks of protest and fear.

Women, carry a broom, a sandwich with extra mayo, and a beer. Apologizing for his mistakes is the perfect finishing touch.

7. Absolutely do not talk about your STD/STI status, or ask when they were last tested.

This isn’t a conversation you should have with a potential partner ever. Covertly check for warts and discharge once their pants are off. STDs and STIs always have visible signs. Plus, your date definitely brought a condom.

8. Trust your date brought a condom.

Neither men nor women need to worry about being prepared! Just trust the other person will bring a condom. You’ll be fine.

9. Your date kept the condom in their wallet/car.

Better than nothing, right?

10. The condom is also expired.

…Better than nothing, right?

Check back again next week for “Coping with and Even Capitalizing on your Unexpected Tinder Baby: Some REALLY Good Advice from Someone Who Has Not Been in Your Shoes."