I've been told numerous times that age brings bitterness. As the years go by, the disappointments and frustrations caused by life's circumstances and the people you interact with take an increasing toll on you that yields nothing but a wary, smug and skeptic version of yourself.
The attitude is not a mean-spirited one. Rather, it's a self-defense mechanism that safeguards the little man inside you who cowers in fear at the thought of being hurt again. The idea is that rejecting situations and commitments that may lead to serious emotional injury is the best way to avoid the chance of injury in the first place.
For most of my life, I've tried to refute this philosophy despite its ubiquity amongst my peers and acquaintances.
But then came a time in my life where I too was hurt, and I too closed myself off. My blinds are still partially shuttered. But everyday, I open them back up just a tiny bit more; especially at this moment in life.
As I sit alone in a university classroom surrounded by monstrously sized television displays, I think about the people in my life who've come and gone. Some of them did so of their own volition while others simply drifted away, much like waves that fade upon reaching the shore.
However, the memories remain. I think back to the genuine moments of happiness and belonging that I felt with those people and I try to dissect why those moments aren't happening anymore.
And in that introspection, I find the reason why. It's all about timing.
As a human being, every day on this Earth is a test. A test of your ability to find and maintain nutrition, shelter, physical and mental wellness and social connection. A test you cannot prepare for. Even if you heed the errors of your ways on past occasions, the confluence of new scenery, people and circumstances can trigger the same blunders again.
A gym buddy today is your closest mentor tomorrow, while a relationship deeper than the Atlantic Ocean today is an emotionally distant affair tomorrow.
There is no control over these natural ebbs and flows. Every day, you can only act upon the present and hope that the sum of your daily actions leads you where you want to go. Upon retrospection, you'll see that timing is what makes it all work.
Think about romantic relationships. At a certain point in the lives of a man and a woman, the two complement each other immaculately. So much so that they choose to share a great level of intimacy with one another for a period of time—a night, a week, a year or a decade. Friendships and jobs are subject to this as well.
It might appear frustrating to realize that uncontrollable forces have such an impact upon our lives, but it's actually liberating. To apply for a scholarship, for example, there's little to do beyond collecting and mailing the right documents. Once it's in the mail, you've shot your shot and only time will tell if the bullet hits the target. Ideally, you won't stay up at night thinking of ways to rig the system for you to win the scholarship. Instead, you'll go on with your daily life, confident that you've done everything in your power to make that scholarship, or that relationship, or that job, happen. If the timing is right, it most certainly will. if the timing's off, the little man inside you will let you know he's uncomfortable.
And that's that.
