Ah, beards. Us males have a strong bond with the fur we grow out of our chins. Some of us keep clean shaven, others keep around some scruff. Some men can barely grow a single piece of fuzz on their chinny chin chin, while others grow entire jungles out of their faces to the point where they can probably keep a bird or two in their. Don't believe me? See it for yourself.Â
As many know, genetics can have a lot to do with how fast and full a man can grow a beard. Ethnicity doesn't always guarantee what kind of beard grower you will be though, so here's a timeline for the many different kinds of beard growers.
The Werewolf
8 a.m: Shave face completely clean.
12 p.m: Some slight scruff is noticeable on the face, in what is referred to as the "It's 5 o'clock Somewhere Shadow."
5 p.m: Beard resembles that of Kimbo Slice's, and continues to grow not only in size, but in sentience as well. Shaving is highly recommended before the beard monster recognizes itself in the mirror.
This process will repeat every day for these men.
The Magic Beard
Day 1: Light blonde peach fuzz will poke out of the face like budding clovers in a fresh spring.
Day 2: Very little change.
Day 3: A nice, slight layer of scruff. Warning: women will attempt to lightly scratch your face. Let them, it's like the equivalent to dogs getting pet.
Day 7: Hair has magically turned from blonde to a reddish-brown and is noticeably longer.
Day 14: Beard has grown in thickness, not in length. Has the strength of a mighty oak tree.
Day 15: The beard and the face have had some sort of magical conference, and have decided to speed up fuzz production.
Day 16: Subject now has the beard and the magical powers of Gandalf the Grey.
The Patchy Beard
Day 1: Little splotches show up around the sideburns and neck, excluding right underneath your chin.
Day 2: Hair keeps growing in those spots only.
Day 3: Hair is noticeably patchy. Other areas have begun to fill in, but main areas are noticeably longer. You can kind of make shapes and patterns out of these splotches, like you're cloud watching!
The Soul Patch
Day 1: Man grows slight fuzz on face.
Day 2: Man shaves everything except for small patch on his chin.
Day 3: Soul patch gets a little bigger, but not by much.
Day 4: The dirty patch now has now become a "dirty patch."
Every beard grower will have his triumphs, as well as a few obstacles to "face", but trust me; when in doubt, shave it. Sure, you may think you have the coolest style of facial hair out there, but clean shaven is never out of style.
