Sometimes I wonder why I try. I've been on vacation for two weeks. It's been great. At the moment I'm getting the 'I have to go the hell back home blues' and it sucks. But returning back to the real world is the least of my problems. I've spent the last week of this vacation working. Yeah, you heard it. Working.

I decided that I would give out free chapters of my books here to entice people to buy them. This involves the arduous task of copy and pasting into blog. Then reformatting. Then sharing on google twice, twitter, and facebook twice. I have been awake since 530 and it is now 730. That's two hours of my day for six books. Not seven .

Two days ago I was like I need views. So after posting, I decided to share my books to all the groups I have joined on both google and facebook. One book on both Facebook and gplus took up an easy 90 mins of my time. ANd then I did another book so that's three more hours into my day. Math says I've used up 8 hours of my day to share just two books and I'm on fucking vacation. And have four more to go.

This is the life I live

In the real nonvacation world I am up at 6 to make that 7am bus to get to work before the traffic hits so that I can work from 9 to 8 then spend 90 mins in the gym end up on the 945 bus which gets me home at ten 30 and after getting ready to sleep I have to then decide if I'm going to be an artist. Spend the 8 hours it takes to share only two out of six books. Knowing I actually have seven books and the fact that 11 to 6 is only 7 hours so I'm one hour short even if I decided to go no-sleep. And most importantly, this involves ZERO writing of new material.

This is the dilemma I'm facing day in and day out. This is why I"m not writing any new shit this year. And this is why I don't have nothing for anyone on the 'do n't give up train'.

In order to get views I have to do more than the five share minimum stated way up in this post. To do that i have to give up more than the 24 hrs provided in a day thus meaning I can't work, but I can't afford to create books without money.... conundrum.

I wonder if it's worth it. Am I wasting time? No new followers, I can't break 100 views per post without killing my ass and then I still can't break 150. No likes, no shares no retweets no sales, and here I am doing it again on my last day of vacation when I should be oversleeping. Or reading a book. Walking aimlessly through a mall pretending to buy shit I can't afford. But I'm here lamenting in a blog post about whether my time would've been better spent actually enjoying myself.

I probably am wasting my time. It's not going to go anywhere and I feel as if society needs to let people know that out of all the people in the world there is no one special dream job that you will fall in love with out there for everyone. Some people will never like their place in life. Sometimes paying the bills and survival trumps everything. There isn't a magical realm filled with fulfilled-and-reached dreams just waiting for every human in existence to come and pluck their flower from the garden and be happy. I read a meme that said just this on vacation and there's too much truth in it.

Unfortunately for me, the damage has been done. Instead of me being okay with my lot in life, my subconscious will keep insisting that there is this magical life fulfilment realm just waiting for me. Instead of me trying to enjoy life outside of an unfulfilling job so that I can find some sort of inner peace, self-actualisation, I'm going to continue torturing myself. Depriving myself of sleep. Writing all the new books in my head. Being angry and bitter at a world for not buying them while in the same breath encouraging me to chase the dream. Keep crying in bathroom corners until I have another nervous breakdown. Have nightmares that mimic my actual day except much more sinister. Fall deeper and deeper into a hole of madness chasing the impossible. Not that it's a lie. Dreams do come true.

But it's ludicrous to believe they would for everyone. It's just not possible.

So am I wasting time? In retrospect yes. Nothing ever works. Based on free chapter results. Double yes. I have links to all previous chapters in each new chapter and I'm up to eleven chapters now. No one has gone back to read the previous ones. The view counts stay the same of the previous chapters once I post a new one. I either have to accept the fact that I suck as an author or that I am the problem and no one cares about me. Depression sucks ass. But still, the subconscious says keep going and my mind and fingers and sleep deprivations say better but hope is stupid and doesn't listen to logic. It insists on tempting the fates so tempt I must.

And the most saddening thing about this entire bitchfest I"m having is that my life in the grand scheme of things isn't anything special or unique. Not by far. The sad thing is that I'm not the only one living like this.

There are millions more and we all can't make it. Dig ourselves out of depression and reach our dreams. Whether it be the building a fitness empire, creating breakthrough science, being a singer/writer/dancer or opening up a coffee shop/bookstore. It's just not possible that we will all get there. And it never will be.