By declaring that women of childbearing age shouldn't even touch alcohol if they aren't on birth control, the Center for Disease Control has caused time to begin moving backward at an alarming rate. Already people are dancing the Charleston to music performed by a new rock n' roll artist by the name of Buddy Holly. Noted physicist Isaac Newton theorizes that within what we will only perceive to be a few days, all of the humanity will have reversed itself by at least 1,000 years.

Before he was unborn, in what must have been a truly horrifying experience that we all now face, because of the CDC, Dr. Neil DeGrasse Tyson theorized that such an occurrence was possible given the mass of all the backward decisions the federal government has been making towards women since the federal government's conception. By implying that women are too irresponsible with their own bodies to even enjoy a simple alcoholic drink without also safeguarding their uteri, the scales of time were caused to tip backward.

Federal health officials claim that because women can get pregnant when not using some form of contraception (which is true), and because they can legally drink alcohol if they choose to (also true), they are at risk of conceiving children who may develop fetal alcohol syndrome if these women unknowingly become pregnant and continue to drink alcohol -- in a situation so hypothetical it threatens to create a secondary distortion in time. This scenario also assumes these untrustworthy harlots choose to carry the fetuses to term because abortions exist and are an option in many situations similar to those hypothesized by the CDC (an organization that may or may not be run entirely by men in their late 60's the to early 70's).

Of course, many laws have been unmade in the time since this fourth-dimensional distortion, including all those related to abortions. Many African-American men have been arrested for addressing white women, and there have been reports of domestic disputes being settled with pistols at dawn, leaving dusty unpaved streets littered with bodies which are spreading diseases for which there are no longer cures.

It is likely that by the time this article reaches publication, the vast majority of the world will no longer be literate and therefore unable to read it. Nor will they have any knowledge of concepts like the fourth dimension and will probably be happier for it.

Had women's rights to their own bodies been respected, time would likely still be on a forward trajectory. However, it was only a matter of time before the federal government, consisting of a frankly ridiculous amount of old white men, made yet another backward and condescending announcement with so much mass that it destroyed the laws of space and time.