"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your path straight."- Proverbs 3:5
As a 21 year old girl, I have always dreamt of meeting “the one.” Ladies, you know what I’m talking about. The one man that steals your heart, takes away your sleep, and gives you something to look forward to the second you wake up. Finding that person seemed to had brought me all the joy in the world. What more could I ever want? I had it all planned. I knew what I wanted and that was all that mattered. However, God had something else in mind.
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Last year, I dated someone I had completely fallen for. In the midst of all the craziness in my life, he was the calm to my storm and the very company I so deeply desired to be among. I was certain I had found my “person,” he had found his, and the rest of our lives would fall into place together. I knew I could count on him and I would never need anyone else to base my happiness around.
In January, we traveled to South Carolina to visit my mother for New Year’s Eve. As we gathered around the table for dinner one night, we got on the popular topic of New Year’s Resolutions. I opened my mouth to say what I wanted for 2016, but I knew it probably wouldn’t happen. “ I want to get closer to God and read the entire Bible by the end of the year.” As much as I wanted this, I knew the effort and motivation would slowly drift away as time went on. I prayed that night for God to speak to me and for Him to grow in me within the coming year. Three weeks later, my relationship with my beloved boyfriend ended. After around 11 months of being together, it had become more and more difficult to be around each other. In the process of my school, his work, and our lack of communication skills, we fell apart. Brutally.
I remember watching him close the door to my house and walk away from his chapter in my life. Tears fell and my heart broke right before me. I thought “And just like that…”, it was over.
I learned what depression was with what I felt in the months following the end of the relationship. A heart-break is certainly not a pain anyone can avoid and I struggled more with losing him than anything else. In the long bitter months of February, March and April, I continued with torturing questions like: What is wrong with me? Why didn’t he fight for me? God, please tell me why this has happened? How is he already with someone else? In search for some sort of comfort, I reached for the Bible every night and my devotional every morning. God, who had seemed so far away for the past year, was finally speaking. Or maybe I was finally listening. Either way, I was reaching for His hand and I knew He was reaching back.
On one of the days where it was hard to be strong, I decided to go for a ride around town and spend some time with my “Top Christian Tracks” playlist on Spotify- something I used to never do. Within each song that came on, I felt a little bit more willing to “try harder” in getting through this tough time in my life. Suddenly, a slow and beautiful piano started to play through my speakers and my attention was automatically focused solely on the words about to be sung.
“I know You’re good. But this don’t feel good right now. And I know You think of things I could never think about. It’s hard to count it all joy distracted by the noise. Just trying to make sense of all Your promises. Sometimes I gotta stop. Remember that You’re God. And I am not”- "Thy Will"- Hillary Scott
There it was… all in one song, everything I needed to say, but didn’t have the courage. And then I realized, whether I like it or not, God is in control of my life. He knows what has happened and He knows what will happen. He knew my pain and somehow through all the brokenness, I forgot God’s plan is good! ALWAYS. He would not have let me go through everything for nothing. He loves me and has this special reason for every single detail, that I don't even begin to think about.
And here I am, mid August, reading the Bible every day, praying each second I have available to get closer to Him, and asking Him to show me how to handle everything I’m faced with. You see, God had to put me through that time to actually reach out and admit that I NEED Him and to see I had been living without Him for so long. I had quite literally made someone else, another human, my source of happiness and hope. God is supposed to be that. I just turned and looked the other way…I see now it all had to happen.
Those months of “ why, why, why” now make sense and the peace I have knowing that God’s plan may not have felt good then, but now proves the betterment of my life and my relationship with God. And besides, why would I desire any other life than the life God has picked out for me?
Getting down to my point, life is hard on its own and living with a broken heart doesn’t make it much easier. It took me way too long to understand God’s plan is so much better than my own and there is no competing with Him and what He has in store. If you are out there, feeling broken and confused over someone who left your life, remember God’s plan, not yours, and the happiness He wants you to feel in trusting His Word. God loves you more than anyone ever could and He knows what He is doing. So don’t be afraid to trust Him and His love.
