x I would like to talk about something that is actually talked about more now than I feel it has ever been. Abuse. However, I would like to talk about part of it that isn't so talked about, the red flags that fly before the hands do. Everyone talks about the actual abuse, but I don't think anyone talks about all the signs that were there before. I want to talk about that because I think if it were talked about more, then more people would recognize the signs and get out earlier.

1. 0% Trust from the beginning.

A lot of people can misinterpret lack of trust as someone with a bad past. Someone with a wounded heart with their guard up. Which is totally possible, however watch for it going too far. Watch for him/her going through your phone, your laptop, peering over your shoulder every time you open your phone. This is a red flag, anyone who is truly interested in you can not trust you and still give you space to prove you are trustworthy.

2. Split second aggression.

Flying off the handle at you for forgetting to do something as simple as load the dishwasher or text them back is not okay. Agitation does not have to be a raised voice. If you think a reaction is inappropriate for the cause...it probably is. This is a red flag too often ignored. "He's under a lot of stress, he just got mad for a minute." or "He just has a little temper but he doesn't mean it." Understand that just because they don't "mean it" doesn't make it okay.

3. Not respecting personal space.

There is such thing as a personal bubble. If someone continuously invades your personal space, especially during an argument throw a flag on the play. This is them trying to gain an upper hand and intimidate you. If you put distance between you two and they take another step forward tell them to stop. If they don't, leave. Right away. This is the first huge red flag of aggression and this can turn ugly very quickly. Your personal space is important. If someone cant respect your personal space then they definitely cannot respect you.

4. Not stopping when you surrender.

If you are in an argument and you surrender, whatever that may be, crying, putting your hands over your face, hanging your head, not responding, etc. and they continue to yell or argue, RED FLAG. This one is obvious but still overlooked. If you concede and are trying to end the argument then they should not keep going. Red flag.

5. Bossy or Controlling?

Some people are bossy. Some people are controlling. Bossy people will order you around and pout when you don't do what they want. Controlling people order you around and use aggression to control you and get you do what they want. This might be physical, they might push you or pull you around. This doesn't have to be a mean push or pull. This can be disguised as being "playful". Like when you are arguing with someone and they say "come here babe", you say no, you don't want them to touch you or hold you or even be near you but they grab your arm and pull you over there anyways. Seems like they are trying to be sweet and you let them pull you over there because somehow in your head if you resist then you are the one causing the problem. That is completely wrong. You have free will to move about as you like. No one has the right to take away your free will, God gave it to you. If someone tries to take that away, run.

If one of these things happen, keep your feelers out. Proceed with caution. If two happen, bring it to their attention. Call them out on their behavior and tell them you wont stay around. If three happen, run. Trust me, as a wise person once told me, these things don't get better, they get worse.

However we arent perfect, sometimes all five of these things happen and by that time you are sitting there wondering if it's your fault. You vent to family and friends and they say things like "well you created this monster, you should have nipped it in the bud back then." Some people tell you to leave but how could you? You are months in, so much effort put into the relationship and you love them. They love you, they lose their temper sometimes, but....they love you...right?

So then one day you decide enough is enough, you love them and they love you and you just have to stop it now and you can work towards things to fix it. So you get into an argument, same old, same old. Except this time you use a little backbone, you stand up for yourself. You get a text from your mom, they ask "who the hell is texting you right now?". You say, "look, it's just my mom. Stop breathing down my back." They fly off the handle, "I have every right to know who is texting MY girlfriend." So you try to calmly tell them, look, you are being ridiculous, stop it. They take a step forward, towering over you and speaking down unto you. Raising his voice at you. You hang your head down, sink your shoulders, you're done. You don't want to fight anymore, but he does. He keeps on, taking petty shots at you, you don't appreciate them, you don't appreciate them caring enough to ask who you are talking to. You're the one with the problem, if you aren't doing anything wrong then it shouldn't matter if they ask. You sink farther and farther, you hide your face. He tells you to look at him and you refuse. Your face is hot and your tears are burning your eyes. He says it more sternly, "look at me." You refuse again. He grabs your chin and makes you look at him. Taking your pride little by little. By this time you are humiliated. He has the upper hand, you just want to run away and hide. You're looking him in the eyes and wondering, "how did I get here."

Sometimes it might stop here. He will walk away and you will cry and wonder how on earth you got to this point. Then, later on, he might come to you and apologize, tell you how sorry he is. He will ask you what was wrong with you, make the whole thing seem like your fault. Or he might wait it out. See how good of a hold he has on you. Wait for you to text him. Then the cycle will start over.

But next time, he might grab your chin and you might yank your chin away. And then, he might slap his hand across your face. By that time, you are so far gone you don't know what to do.

"He loves me."

"I picked this fight."

"He just wanted me to look him in the eyes."

"I created this, I taught him how to treat me."

Abuse starts early. Abuse comes in inches. It almost never happens all at once. Little by little, step by step. Learn the signs early. Throw those red flags. Do not let it go. Do not ignore the red flags. Tell people what is going on, if others are worried, pay attention. Listen to the signs early and remember 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

God will never mean for you to be with someone who disrespects you and treats you poorly. If it feels wrong, it is wrong.

A note for friends- If you think your friend is ignoring the red flags, sit them down and really try to talk to them. If it gets worse, if they ignore your words and you become really concerned, tell someone they respect, a parent, an older friend, pastor, teacher, etc. When you are faced with wondering if they will be mad at you, remember that if you are that worried, you could be saving them. A girl is never the same after they are in a relationship like that, especially if it gets physical. They can feel trapped, help them feel like they are not trapped.