"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the staircase" -Martin Luther King Jr.
A few months ago, I ended a relationship I, and everyone else thought was going to last forever. Since then I have tried to make sense of what happened but it has taken me until now to see the big picture.
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The day it happened, the break up, I remember I was listening to the radio in my car and "Thy Will" came on. I had never really listened to the words but I did that day. In the middle of the song, God spoke to me. I had never really heard God's voice so clear but He said "do you trust me?" and then He said "end that relationship and trust me". It was the craziest thing. I thought about it for a little while and it bothered me all day long. I started thinking about things and I realized, for the longest time I had been thinking I was okay but I wasn't. I had gotten away from God and wasn't as close to Him as I once was. I thought about my life and how it changed and how I thought I had it all figured out.
My favorite line in "Thy Will" is "sometimes I gotta stop, remember that you're God and I am not". I ended the relationship and trusted God. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. I remember praying "Lord, I have no idea what you are doing but I will trust you". For about a week, I was okay. I held it together. I mean, I got a little lonely, but I trusted God. The next week, everything started hitting me like a ton of bricks. I started skipping class, I could not eat, I could not sleep, my grades started slipping, people started to ask questions about how I was doing, and I could not stay focused on anything. I went numb to feeling. If someone said something funny, I had to force myself to laugh. I had hit my low point, or so I thought.
After a few weeks, I made a few new friends. They were there for me in ways I never even knew someone could be there for you. I had days where I wondered "why am I here". I actually became friends with someone who told me they went through the same exact thing. He told me about how it changed him. He showed me a song called "I Have to Believe". I realized, through that simple song and through him and his story, I had to keep believing and trusting God through the depression I was going through. He helped me more than he will probably ever know just by letting me talk things out. I changed my major because I realized through him, I want to help people.
I eventually wanted to go to parties and try out the "college life". I went to two parties and at both, I had people come up to me and say "what are you doing here? I thought you were a good girl". I do not know what led people I had not talked to in years, to say those things to me but those simple words made me realize that that was not me. God was protecting me. I decided I needed to be a big girl and handle all of the sadness the only way I knew how... through God.
I started praying everyday that God would send me "Mr. Right" and eventually, after so many dates failed, I realize I needed to be patient. One night, as I was riding around, upset because I was a "goody-two-shoes" again to another guy, I started praying "I know you see me God. I know you see my heart and how much all of this is hurting me. I know your plan is perfect and I may not see it now, but I know one day I will because you say so in John 13:7. I know you want me to trust you, I know you want me to get close to you so God I am going to stop praying that you will send me Mr. Right. I do not want him right now. I want you to make me the person I need to be for him. So Lord, make me a Proverbs 31 woman. Help me through this tough time and help me to see what you are doing because I am so confused."
From the breakup until that prayer, I thought God was silent. I thought I was going crazy and maybe I had made a mistake. I tried to fix things with my ex and tried to explain that I had made a huge mistake and I missed him. He ignored me.
I kept praying that God would make me into Mrs. Right but I was still kind of hoping that along the way, I would just meet Mr. Right too. The holidays were coming up.
My ex from a long time ago came back into the picture. He was my first love so I started thinking maybe this was all a sign and maybe, just maybe I needed to get back together with him. After a while we started arguing like we once did and I realized, I needed positivity in my life and I just was not getting it from him. I realized I needed to stop trying to make people fit because you can not make someone fit that doesn't.
The night before New Years Eve, I broke down and cried like a baby. I was honestly more mad than anything.
The hardest part of breaking up with my ex was the plans we had made. We were supposed to go to the pumpkin patch, spend Thanksgiving together, go see Christmas lights, go ice skating, put up Christmas decorations, spend Christmas Eve with my family at my grandparent's house, spend Christmas Day together, and ring in the New Year together. We didn't. I spent a lot of time during the holidays feeling sorry for myself.
On Christmas Eve, my family always has a tradition of going to my grandparent's house, playing some Christmas games, eating together, and opening up presents. I have always dreamed of taking a guy there for that. The craziest part about everything is, I never have had a guy come to Thanksgiving or Christmas Eve and those matter so much to me. At first I was angry because for some reason, plans always got cancelled but then I thought about how much being with my family meant to me, how I had dreamed about the guy I would one day take up there.
God has always held me.
Though I did not go to the pumpkin patch this year, I did spend Halloween with some great friends. Though I did not get to see Christmas lights with a guy, I did get to see some with my family. Though I did not get to bring a guy to Thanksgiving or Christmas, I have hope that the guy that I do bring one day, will be the guy I have always dreamed of. Though I have never gotten to ring in the New Year with someone I love, I have gotten to ring in the New Year with my family and some pretty amazing friends.
This year has been a really tough one. I lost a lot but through losing everything that I lost, I found myself.
When I thought God was being silent and ignoring me, He was actually working in my life. When I prayed for Mr. Right, I got a few dates, but with every date I went on, I realized I was not even loving myself and I was no where near where I needed to be. When I had crazy ideas to do stupid things, God sent me friends to tell me their story and as they were telling me, I knew I needed to help them. I poured out what little strength I had from what I knew to help them and through helping them, they really helped me. When I needed someone to talk to, when I felt lonely, when I felt unloved, I had God and I would talk to him.
I got introduced to the song "Love On the Line" by Hillsong and through that song, I realized if I have no other love, I have God's and I have no reason to be lonely.
Some of the things people told me during that time were things I had never dreamed of hearing. They would say little things that were just enough to let me know, I was going to be okay. I believe it was God speaking through them and I could not be more thankful for that.
I made some major changes in my life during that time. With every big step I took on a path I could not fully see, I watched a small piece of my life slowly fall back together. I saw God take big things and make them little things all because I placed the situations in His hands. The things I was so stressed about, I placed in His hands and I watched as He made them okay. It was amazing.
I made a list the other day of all of the qualities I am looking for in Mr. Right. I now know exactly what I want and I am praying for that everyday. I pray that God makes that man, whoever it is I am going to marry one day, into who he needs to be for me. I pray God makes him so strong in his faith.
When I hit rock bottom, and I was in deep, deep water, God held me. I did not see it at the time but I see it now. When I thought I had no one, I had God.
I started going to Church of the Highlands with one of my best friends who really helped me through the tough time. He actually stopped me from going to a party. I asked him the other day if he even remembers what he said to me the night he stopped me from making that mistake and he said he didn't. God spoke through him. He took me riding around that night, the night I was so dead-set on going to my first party and he looked me in the eyes and said "why did you want to go?" and I said "I just really needed to clear my mind" and he said back, "here's a pretty view, your mind cleared yet? You don't need all of that to clear your mind. You need to know your worth. You need to know you are better than that". After that, I knew I was not just talking to my friend anymore, I knew God was talking through him. I had never experienced anything like that before.
If God ever tells you to do something, as crazy as it is or sounds, do it. Trust Him. I promise you, no matter how far it takes you, He will hold you. Just be held.
"Jesus replied, 'You do not understand now what I am doing, but someday you will'" -John 13:7
